Here's a little Irish jig in the form of a limerick. My wife's words about it: Ick. You be the judge.
Waiting in Line
Waiting in line at the grocery store
I thought of the dinners we had and more
The candlelight romance
The feel our dance
Dreaming of futures together
Waiting in line at the DMV
The day to day hassles of you and me
Pressure is growing
The cracks begin showing
Wishing that we could be free
Waiting in line on the courthouse lawn
Feeling relief that our time was done
The words we exchanged
Hurtful and deranged
With lawyers there egging us on
Waiting in line at the funeral gate
Thinking ‘bout love that had turned to hate
Your beautiful presence
Devoid of its essence
Seeing our ultimate fate
Hey SaucyJim,
I like it. On the other hand, I never show my songs to my wife. Our tastes are just too divergent.
I really like the progression in this piece. I also think the structure is very nice. There are a couple places where I thought the meter might could be tightened up a bit, but you'd probably fix that on the fly while you're singing it. I also thought the different settings you chose for each stage of the relationship were quite apropos. Well done.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
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hey saucy,
this is a nice little diddy. i do like the way that you mention many different kinds of lines that people stand in. it does flow very well with the style you chose. i do feel like there needs to be something the brings to verses together. or at least some sort of ending. i don't like it when a song just abrutly ends for no real reason. The feel our dancethis line needs to be reworded.
over all it is nice, but didn't grab me. i certainly wouldn't go as far as saying ick.
-CheapThrill
I like it, I like the short snappy 5-line verse...like"a limerick", well you got the rhyme right - except for the first verse, but it's fairly close.....
The line Cheap Thrill highlighted, should that read
"The feel of our dance".........amazing the difference one little word can make isn't it!!!
I can almost hear the fiddlers between verses!!!
:) :) :)
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
SaucyJim
Like it, but I do agree with Cheap Thrill it does need something
to tie it all together (IMHO) Maybe a chorus
Maybe you could have her being hit by a Truck or something in the chorus and it would make for a nice Country song………. Just kidding!!
But even if you don’t write a chorus it is still a great song. Flows nice!
Keep‘em comi’n
Blessings. Olav
By the way, forgot to ask - what does DMV stand for?
Vic.
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
DMV = department of motor vehicles
sometimes we americans forget that other people don't know our slang or abbreviations. :D
DMV = department of motor vehicles
And they're infamous for ridiculously long lines, and apathetic staff. In pretty much any state you go to.
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
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