Ok, for this one I tried to turn it around, one of the things I keep trying to teach myself is to be thankful for what I have. Seems we all spend time trying to be what were not instead of who we are.
So...
3 Wishes, If I Had….
VERSE 1
This one's for them
The children that cry,
That have known only sorrow
Each day that's gone by.
No thoughts of a future
And only pain in your past.
This wish is for you,
I hope your tears dry fast.
VERSE 2
And this one's for you
One who struggles inside.
To answer the turmoil's
Of a troubled mind.
Though you look to a bottle,
Or a needle for help.
I wish for someone,
To lead you from that hell.
CHORUS
If I had 3 wishes
I'd give them all away
There are people in need
More than I this day.
VERSE 3
My last wish for you
To ease your suffering
Can't bring back the child
That you're still loving
Though taken from you
Before given a name
Looks down from heaven
And hopes you smile again.
CHORUS x 2
Rhythmically I'm hearing Gospel stylings, maybe Marvin Gaye or Ben E King on lead vocal duties. And with all due respect given, maybe even Alicia Keys from today's singers.
Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time
hey spadge,
that is such a sweet song. i am almost ready to cry. :( you sure did catch the sentiment just right. and you managed not to go overboard on the sappiness. great take on the assignment of making your wishes help other truely in need.
Your wish is in heaven
And hopes you smile againthese two lines gave me trouble reading. throws me off in thinking :? and in the wording of the last line.
otherwise you did a great job. keep up the good work.
-CheapThrill
Spadge,
Good song. Nice sentiment. I do think it could use a little polish though.
I'll use verse 2 for an example;
And this one's for you
One who struggles inside.
To answer the turmoil's
Behind them dark eyes.
Though you look to a bottle,
Or a needle for some help
My wish is you find someone,
To lead you from that hell.
How about something like;
And this one's for you
One who struggles inside.
To answer the turmoil's
Behind them dark eyes.
Though you look to a bottle,
Or a needle for help
I wish you find someone,
To lead you from hell.
Of course that's just my opinion
Celt
I would agree to a point Celt, but I would keep "that" in the last line, so as not to be taken as definite hell, but the hell that person is going through.
Cheap Thrill, how do those 2 lines throw u off.
The verse is about a woman that lost her child during pregnancy or childbirth.
The lines basically say, the child is in heaven looking down on his/her mother......
And Cet (deliberate mistake) its SPADGE not Spage... thats the 2nd time you have done that... it may seem like a web name, but actually its a little more than that.
Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time
Nice sentiments, celt beat me to it for the couple of small alterations I was going to suggest...was busy elsewhere.......we'd all change the world for better with three wishes wouldn't we? Or is it just me who'd want to be the absolute (though benevolent, kindly and much-loved) ruler?
:) :) :)
Vic.
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Takes on board Celt's comments and edited 2nd Verse
Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time
Spadge,
Sorry about that. Vic said something about the typos in my posting too.
I'm getting sloppy in my old age. I'll try to be more careful in the future.
Colt (no that's not right)
Celt
hey spadge,
i think it is the use of the word "hopes" that sounds funny to me. should it be "hope" instead? maybe it is just me hearing it off in my head. that has been known to happen before. :lol:
-CheapThrill
Ok after going to bed and suddenly realising that the final 2 lines of verse 3 did not make sense, got up and redone the 1st and next to last lines of that 1.
For better or for worse, it is now done.
Cheap Thrill does this sit better with you.
Cheers for understanding Celt, I'm also a little narcy as its 317 a.m so sorry if it seemed I was biting your head off earlier.
Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time
hey spadge,
i like the rewrite of those last two lines. it definitly makes more sense to me now. it makes it a bit more personal now, with the child looking down from heaven instead of just being there.
-CheapThrill
Hey Spadge,
Great revision! This one really comes together now.
I have to agree with Cheap Thrill the last verse is much more personal now.
And Spadge No offence taken. A person's name ( web name or otherwise)
should be treated with respect. I'm a lousy typist so I can't promise it won't happen again but I will make every effort to see it doesn't.
Thank You for letting me know it bothered you.
Celt
hi spadge(double-checked spelling :wink: )!
like your song a lot!
feel selfish now for not giving away the 3 wishes :cry:
next time I'll follow your shining example;)
by the way a very beautiful song, love the last verse in particular(read all this after the edits so can't really comment on them but like it the way it is now)
:D
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Behind darkened eyes...
Sauce
Or is it just me who'd want to be the absolute (though benevolent, kindly and much-loved) ruler?
Nope. It's not just you, Vic. I had a resume' all primed for the position. Never heard back from the recruiter.
Spadge,
I don't know what version or how many revisions have happened before I saw this, but the version I'm reading is pretty darned good. I like Sauce's suggestion. the "them" in that line just didn't seem to flow. But as a whole, it reads real good.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Amended 2nd Verse... ok NOW its finished
Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time
