week 52 'as blood gets shed'

hi blue,

a definate improvement on the old version but i think still a bit rough round the edges.

i like the therapist / patient thing.

i like the jet line too, but i'm not sure how well that kinda upbeat mickey taking ironic tone fits with the tone of the song.

also some of the tenses seem off,
surely its 'Coz you walked out on me ' not walk?

and i dont think its possible to have a 'threadbare thread', even if u wanted to stick with it describing a single thread as being like the separating of a group of threads seems contrary to your intended meaning?

'hold you horses' is very cliched, perhaps some imagary to tie in with the therapist theme would be more appropriate than the horses.

also i dont think 'it better should' makes sense.

and just as a matter of personal preference i'd stick with 'listen baby' instead of 'listen attentively' since in a way it addresses the audience, if u need the extra syllable u go for 'listen to me baby' for some internal rhyming.

i hope that didnt come out too harshly, i just had a hard time engaging with it, partly due to the lack of an obvious structure, partly the subject matter.

rob :)

oh can i ask what the significance of the two '.' in the middle of the sing is?

Bluenightangel,

Great Stuff! I like the Therapist/ Patient lines and the title pharse is great.

I sometimes have to read your work two or three times before I get it.
But this one caught me right from the start .

I still reread it just to make sure I didn't miss anything.

Nice reworking! You seemed to make it tighter and more concise

Celt

Hi:)

I was struggeling with the jet thing first, too...loved it but was kinda like does it really fit? and I came to the conclusion it does:)
let me give you a quick explanation of the idea, so you might change your mind: it's about a relationship breaking, obviously..the man knows she's been hurt and probably cheated on before but that doesn't give her any right to do anything like that to him, and she did so. that's why he says he's been crying, too- it's not only her. then he explores a bit of why it went wrong, it was mainly because they both have been hurt and stubborn and unable to apologize(you get hurt you hurt in return you can't apologize even if you see how much you hurt the other one because it's still hurting inside of yourself)..the whole thing got to the point where she gets her stuff and prepares to leave..and he is like going insane because no matter what he still 'loves her like no one sane'..then he trys to come to terms with the situation and hopes that it is worth for something, that at least there'll be something he gained thru all of this. ..and he is even more hurt that she leaves before he could leave her

..pretty straight-forward story...read to me kind clishé-ish when I just read my explanation again :wink: at least no big-worded monster this time, is it?:)

back to your questions. I don't think it should be 'coz you walked out on me' because as I said she is walking out on him at the moment, she's not entirely gone yet.
and i dont think its possible to have a 'threadbare thread', even if u wanted to stick with it describing a single thread as being like the separating of a group of threads seems contrary to your intended meaning? well, my dictionary told me 'threadbare' means worn/falling to pieces and a thread is like yarn, isn't it? the next line belongs to it so it is actually:It's a threadbare thread marking the border that divides me and madness . i don't even know how to explain this further as it seems to be clear to me...the threadbare thread is the thing holding him back from madness(of losing her), his last bit of reason if you will, and that thread is worn and threatening to break---see? ;)
'hold you horses' is very cliched I've had 'hang on' before that but I liked the way 'hold' repeats 'hold your horses' and 'Gotta hold my breath' ...is it really that bad? you think I should change it?
i'd stick with 'listen baby' instead of 'listen attentively'
I agree with you. it was just that I got so bored of the whole 'baby' thing and way back I swore never to use 'baby' in a song(...although there are songs of mine which have this word..)it sounds a bit...silly...but 'attentively' is so off here and doesn't fit at all, so I'll go with 'baby'.

the two dots('.') are only marking the space where I would like to have an instrumental part/solo whatever...a reminder so I won't forget it that far away day in the future when I finally set the music for this one... :lol:

you didn't were too harsh:) I'm fine and your questions/criticism really helped me. thanks :wink: hope I covered them all sufficiently.

hey thanks, celt:) so both of you seem to like the following part, right?
You been mistreated
And I ain't no therapist
Nor do you look like a patient

think i should add it to the revised version? maybe as something you do live but not on the record, a supply- if you wanna improvise/expand the song live? (ahh...she's talking of things that are still so distant you can't even see their shape at the horizon :lol: )

anyway thank you guys!
bluenightangel

hi

reading the song again with your explaination has helped me get a better handle on it.

if u can make the jet thing work then definately go for it.

your right about walk, walked doesnt express what you are trying to convey. though may i suggest 'As' instead of 'Coz' to help emphasis the time aspect.

as for threadbare, i'm not one to disgree with a dictionary. it does mean 'worn/falling to pieces ' but my understanding was that it means this in the context of like carpet, or clothes u say something is threadbare when u can see the individual threads because there arent many of them left, hence it is bare of threads. u cant then have a threadbare thread because there was never anymore to the thread than itself.
so u could have a threadbare rope or a worn tattered thread.

having said that threadbare thread could make sense if u assume that the thread had previousl been a part of a larger whole, like a rope. but there is nothing to suggest that is the case from the lyrics.

though having said that and that, this is art, we're meant to be useing word creatively! and the repetition of 'thread' is good for emphasis. i hope the above makes my point clearer, but having made the point i trust u will choose what expresses ur meaning the best.

i hadn't noticed the repetition of hold actually, but it is very effective so definately include that, but it was the phrase as a whole that seemed a) cliched as i said, but different people have different opinions on the use of cliche in songs, personally i prefer to try and find new original ways to say things, but then i guess their very familiarity can be said to be a tool for clear communication. and b) the horses seemed an odd thing to crop up in a song about a break up. but ultimately its your choice.

if you can find space for them i'd add in the lines:
You been mistreated
And I ain't no therapist
Nor do you look like a patient

you could even play around with the pronouns to show the reciprocity of the situation between the guy and girl, so near the begining of the song u could have it as u wrote it, and then near the end change it to:
I've been mistreated
And you ain't no therapist
Nor do I look like a patient

just an idea.

hope theres something useful in that, though i think i've just repeated what i said last time for the most part but with more words!

if u ever do a recording of it i'd like to hear how it comes out, jet attitude and all:)

rob