wk 39 - Devil In Me

Man I wish I could write like that.
Really well written . . . and the tune fits it very well.
I'd like to hear it played with an electric guitar . . . with a real sassy setting.

I agree with KR2, this is great.

Particularly like this verse

"When they caught up with me, I said the Devil made me do it
But the prosecution, he did not agree
The judge and the jury, were shocked at this behavior
Called the Devil in as an accessory.
But the Devil testified that he was on vacation
And he had a rock solid alibi"

Good chorus too :D

Jeremy,

Sounds great :D Something makes me want to tweak the chorus jus a bit to separate not having Devil in the two lines and to rhyme something instead of using "familar"

What about:
When I finally met the demon, i recognized the rebel,
Cause he sounded like the devil in me.

....maybe not...something like that....something to make devil in me stand out more....maybe repeating devil in me...

Nice playing :D

James

Good good good.

Enjoyed the listen. As you say on your YouTube comment, a bit of a blues riff, probably inbetween the verses and it's there.

Excellent.

Rock on!
D 8)

+1 to the comments above. Good song. :)

The only thing that struck me as being a candidate for possible additional work was the last verse. The thoughts are appropriate and I can see what they're saying, but it comes across as being somewhat convoluted. If these lines could be simplified a bit, and the message made a little clearer and punchier, then it might make the ending even more effective.

But every man is tempted, when his lust be conceived,
His own desire leadeth him astray'
And the Devil might try, why should he take the time?

Cheers,

Chris

Hi Jeremy,

I like what youve done here, well done. If this was my song I might change the chorus a little bit, and even use the same chorus all the way through, maybe something like:
When I finally met the Devil, his voice was familiar,
Cause he sounded like the voice inside of me.

here the devil is alluded to as a voice inside his head. Its the old hearing voices thing and all that that image conjours up.

Good song

Paul

I like this one, too....

Only thing I have reservations about is the rhyming scheme. I know, some people would have us believe that it's not totally necessary - but a song like this begs for a fairly repetitive rhyming pattern. And as such, it's got to be consistent....

You've got "me," "learn" and "do" in the first verse....no rhymes whatsoever.

"Agree," Accessory," and "alibi" in the second verse....first two of those are close, "alibi" is out of whack.

Third verse, you've got "you," "astray," and "anyway" - again, two out of three. Shouldn't be too hard to fit "away" at the end of the first of those two lines.

I like the varying choruses....take the story a little further each time. They don't have to rhyme, because they're only two-line choruses - it'd be neat, though, if the last line rhymed with the last line of the preceding verse.

I dunno - maybe you don't like your songs to be too formally structured? There's a school of thought that says rhymes aren't strictly necessary...maybe so, but I'm not convinced. If you're writing a song that's fairly conventionally structured, you've got to have a fairly conventional rhyming scheme to go with it....that's my opinion, anyway. My opinion again, this would benefit from an ABCBDB rhyming scheme....follows the classic blues pattern. The two line choruses - well you could keep them as they are, or you could rhyme them. I'd keep 'em as they are....they break up the structure. Conventional verses, slightly off-kilter choruses. Works for me.

Couple of tweaks here, I think you've got a good a song.

:D :D :D

Vic

Vic, I think I have to agree with you. At some level, while writing the song, I struggled with it a lot on this one. But after having a more "finished" product, I can see I'd like to go back and fix those rhymes, spend some more time. Thanks for the advice.

jeremy