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Wk 42 - On My Knees
 
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Wk 42 - On My Knees

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(@guitargeek)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 281
Topic starter  

You love me better when I'm on my knees
My legs they bend, they break they're begging please
And the way in which we all can fall
There is reason,
there is reason in it all
And why we go unanswered sometimes
The silence kills me as I stare at an empty sky
Talking to stars, they are light years away
And just like you they don't hear what I've got to say

So consider this the payback
Because my hands I couldn't use them
Except to clench together
In desperation
Consider this the conclusion
Of a never ending story
Your always running
Through my memory

I'm always there for you each time you call
With all these words I give you, you must have an armful
And the way in which I am breaking
You know its because
Because you wont stop taking from me
So why do I go unanswered sometimes
Is there something listening behind those illusive shining stars
Will it reach you if I begin to shout?
Why do my words evaporate as they leave my mouth?

So consider this the payback
Because my hands I couldn't use them
Except to clench together
In desperation
Consider this the conclusion
Of a never ending story
Your always running
Through my memory


   
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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
 

Hi'a Guitargeek,

Well you have a good story line here, but I am having a problem with the meter, I have put the numbers in brackets beside the lines

I'm always there for you each time you call (9)
With all these words I give you, you must have an armful (13)
And the way in which I am breaking (9)
You know its because (5)
Because you wont stop taking from me (9)
So why do I go unanswered sometimes (10)
Is there something listening behind those illusive shining stars (15)
Will it reach you if I begin to shout? (10)
Why do my words evaporate as they leave my mouth? (13)

Of course it also depends on your prefered singing style, I am a "folky" so I tend to think in rhythm , and a lot of todays music doesn't run true to form like them good ol' days.

Go well
Ja'mir

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey GG,

Some good lines in there, like:
Why do my words evaporate as they leave my mouth?

This part:
Because my hands I couldn't use them
Except to clench together
In desperation

I love the idea, but the last line seems to fall a bit flat to me. I know you're going for a picture of prayer, but I'd love to see a simili or something more personal instead of "in desperation". I don't know, something like "holding my last shred of hope" or "like a child at a bedside."

Like Jamir said, good story line.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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(@mary-jane)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 29
 

hey guitargeek!
this is a good song... i really like this bit
The silence kills me as I stare at an empty sky
Talking to stars, they are light years away
And just like you they don't hear what I've got to say
the only line i wasn't sure about was "in desperation"... to me the line just doesnt fit with the rhythm, but i guess that would change depending on how you hear it... to me it sounds better as "in my desperation" but you decide...
all up this is a really good song!
cya!
mary-jane


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

I'm interested as to how you see the music for this....looks like a fast, angry rocker to me....

Meter can be very important, but then again sometimes it doesn't matter - Roy Orbison, for example, always managed to fit his lyrics to music....

This looks to me to be one of those very personal songs, you just had to get it out....maybe you might want to look back on it in time, when your anger's cooled, and make a few little tweaks....

Works for me, anyway!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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