this is the first song i've written in a while, since i don't have a computer at home. i was listening to abbey road in my friend's car yesterday, and "because" came on. you know the line "because the sky is blue, it makes me cry". well, that gave me the idea for this. it's not serious, but i hope you like it.
you know i dropped everything
just to hold your hand
gave you love and consolation
did my best to be your man
but you just wore me out
like a ragged pair of shoes
babe the way you treat me
even the sky would get the blues
i gave you all you needed
but you took whatever you wanted
you ran around all over town
and had the nerve to flaunt it
you broke down my defenses
just to leave me feeling used
babe, the way you treat me
even the sky would get the blues
to give you what you asked for
i would have robbed a liqour store
i can't believe i didn't realize
that you were such a wh@re
alt lyric: you didn't want me anymore
i lost all of my senses
just to feel your touch
i gave you all my money
and it didn't seem like much
i bought you diamonds and furs
took you on a six month cruise
but babe, the way you treat me
even the sky would get the blues
i hope you like it.
Sure did. :D
It touched on a heap of familiar themes and phrases yet managed to sound fresh.
I especially liked
even the sky would get the blues because it was so paradoxical. Is a blue sky happy or sad.... :D :cry: The great thing is that the line sounds good, which is all that matters.
Other good lines included
you know i dropped everything
just to hold your hand
lost all of my senses
just to feel your touch
...and more... Often the best songs get the message across without loading up too much over-fancy imagery, but by just adding a little twist to simple language.
Could be sung either full-on sadly or lighter and tongue in cheek too.
Come back next week with more!!
Cheers, Chris
Hey Brotha, some great stuff here and really hit home for me. Actually made me kind of side. Reflected personal experience, although mine wasnt quite so extreme.
Anywho.. on with the critque:
I really felt this line. Relationships are kind of like clothing. Are you using it or just abusing it and whats the difference really? But the lines kind of like, "Used them up.. who's next!!"
but you just wore me out
like a ragged pair of shoes
This sets it up nicely for the wh@re line.. Which btw I prefered of the two for this type of song. This is the line where I started getting teary eyed too.
you ran around all over town
and had the nerve to flaunt it
Not sure about the liquor store line. I'm thinking more and bigger but I cant quite pick a line out that would express that. But as mentioned, I prefer the wh@re line. Its more descriptive of the type of woman she's become. She didnt want you anymore makes it sound like every cliche relationship where you just kind of grow out of each other.
to give you what you asked for
i would have robbed a liqour store
i can't believe i didn't realize
that you were such a wh@re
alt lyric: you didn't want me anymore
Good job.. Hope you write more. Hope even more that you can record it and give us a listen. I've come to enjoy listening to "amatuer" recordings on sound click and dmusic more than the radio.
Geoo
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
you know i dropped everything
just to hold your hand
gave you love and consolation
did my best to be your man
but you just wore me out
like a ragged pair of shoes
babe the way you treat me
even the sky would get the blues
I really like this.
i gave you all you needed
but you took whatever you wanted
you ran around all over town
and had the nerve to flaunt it
you broke down my defenses
just to leave me feeling used
babe, the way you treat me
even the sky would get the blues
This too. Especially that last part. It's great.
to give you what you asked for
i would have robbed a liqour store
i can't believe i didn't realize
that you were such a wh@re
alt lyric: you didn't want me anymore
Thought the third verse didn't have the same quality as the first two. If you're going for tongue in cheek, maybe you can say something like,
"To give you what you asked for, I'd have robbed your favorite store." Then maybe, "I can't believe I didn't realize, you'd only ask for more." Or something like that. But I really liked the first two verses, and the chorus and title are great. Thanks for the read.
Joe
Brother,
Good song, the title reminds me of Even Cowgirl Get The Blues but
the rest is quite original.
I'm not nuts about the Wh@re line but you left an alternative
that works well.
Good Job
John
joe, your idea is great. i'll use it instead of mine.
