This is the 3rd straight week I have written a song from the assignment but the only one I have had the time post . It sort of has a country twang to it ( which is not my style).
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12313169
She Talks to my Wife
She talks to my wife
Almost every night
She hasn't said a word to her yet
But I'm the one she'll kill
I don't know when but I know she will
She talks to my wife every night
It started out so innocent
I was playing my guitar in a friends basement
She asked if I would play her favorite song
I said I would and she sang with me
She made me forget about my family
I knew that this was going very wrong
She talks to my wife
Almost every night
She hasn't said a word to her yet
But I'm the one she'll kill
I don't know when but I know she will
She talks to my wife every night
She asked me if I wanted to go
I didn't know where but I couldn't say no
I got in my car and followed her away
She took me back to her new place
I just couldn't stop looking at her face
I knew that trouble was here to stay
I started out strumming
She said I was chicken
So I soon switched to finger pickin'
and pretty soon then I must have hit the right note
It's been going on for nearly a year
at least once a week but now its clear
It's time for me to find a way out of this mess
She talks to my wife
Almost every night
She hasn't said a word to her yet
But I'm the one she'll kill
I don't know when but I know she will
She talks to my wife every night
I tried to break it off last week
She told me to think before I speak
There wasn't anything that she wouldn't do
So be careful what you wish for
because dreams really can come come true
If it happened to me it could easily happen to you.
She talks to my wife
Almost every night
She hasn't said a word to her yet
But I'm the one she'll kill
I don't know when but I know she will
She talks to my wife every night
Hi mlazare,
Good job :D Clear story line with a good balance of details and emotions.
Suggestion:
"She hasn't said a word to her yet"
This line was a bit confusing....maybe "She hasn't told her yet"
"I didn't know where but I couldn't say no"
Also here you might try "I didn't know where but I could've said no"......b/c later in the verse you say
"I just couldn't stop looking at her face".....this would hint at a loss of resistance
Thanks for sharing.
James
Country twang may not be your style, but you've written a great song. For whatever it's worth, I can hear these lyrics done in many styles, but country certainly would suit it perfectly.
Suggestion in the chorus: while I didn't find myself confused by the second line, clearing it up a bit might. Then you would have to do a little additional tidying up so as not to start each line with a "but." Maybe something like:
She talks to my wife
Almost every night
But she hasn't said a word to her yet
And I'm the one she'll kill
I don't know when but I know she will
'Cause she talks to my wife every night
The other suggestion I'd make is at the beginning of the third verse:
I started out strumming
She said I was chicken
So I soon switched to finger pickin'
and pretty soon then I must have hit the right note
Not because it's bad but because it just comes across more joke-y than serious and up to this point the narrator hasn't been all that full of jokes. Maybe something more along these lines:
We tried her favorite song again
But we didn't even get 'round to the refrain
'Cause the music just stopped and you know the rest
It's been going on for nearly a year
at least once a week but now its clear
It's time for me to find a way out of this mess
All this, as always, is just my two cents. But on behalf of all of us at the SSG I think I should tell you there's no time limit on assignments. So whenever you can get 'round to sharing the other two you've written in the last three weeks, please do! Songs this good are meant to be shared.
Peace
James and David,
Thanks for the great suggestions. I thought guitar playing was addicting but I never thought songwriting would be just as addicting. It's nice to have somebody else to run things by other then my wife. She already refers to my guitar as "my girlfriend". Hey, that could be another song !!
Mark
Hi Mark,
I think you've got something there . . . . . . She talks to my guitar and tells her things she won't tell me . . . . . . . . .great idea. I might just use it, still looking for my direction this week. Let me add also that it's always great to have a new addition to our group. Enjoyed you submission this week and look forward to more.
Neil
Really like this one! Sends little shiver of fear down the spine...
Cheers,
HagRider
Welcome. Definitely an interesting song. Yes, songwriting is addicting. I hope you don't try to kick the habit.
Renee
Very well written. It's Super-Hooky.
Hi Mark,
Great job on the mp3! :D
-James
nice Dylanesque vibe. And a great story. Melody might need a bit of variation somewhere just to make the ears prick up and pay attention.
Cheers,
HagRider
