Y11W17 Stray Dog

Very nice. I have delayed progress on mine. It's hard to sing in the voice of a 15 year old when we sound our age.

Thanks! I just thought it had to be from the perspective of a 15 year old. Sing like one? That might take surgery . . . . . . . . :roll:

Hi Neil,

Sounding good :mrgreen: I think the idea is all there with plenty of details; possibly some tightening up here and there but no major changes.

he was a rag tag thing and he needed a bath----"thing" could use better description.....like...."He was a ragamuffin and needed a bath"
he had sad brown eyes, and he didn’t walk fast
his straggly ears almost touched the ground
looked like he belonged in the lost not found

Stray Dog get away from me
Stray Dog dog just let me be
stop your barkin’ and please don’t whine
I ain’t yours and you ain’t mine................I like this line :wink:

the way he looked at me, made me smile.......Could use a transition word "BUT THEN the way he looked.....
he seemed like the friend I’d needed for a while
I had some chocolate and I gave him a piece........I think chocolate makes dogs sick.....maybe jerky
the way he followed me I didn’t need a leash

when we finally got home didn’t know what to do
stood there for a while then he gnawed my shoe
I laughed and he barked, and his tail wagged wild
I had to give this guy a home, he’d be my k 9 child

Stray dog you’ll sleep under my bed
I’ll take some food from my dinner, make sure you’re fed
but you gotta keep quiet, don’t make a sound
cause if my daddy find’s out, you’ll be a dog gone hound

now I was gone when my mother entered my room.......more detail "now when I was at SCHOOL my mother....
her eyes were wide open [and in her hand she had a broom].....try........Her eyes wide open; holding a broom
she heard some scratching feared that there might be mice
instead she found my dog, he licked her nice

she picked him up and carried him down the stairs....Bear implies a big dog.....She coaxed him or shooed him
brought him to show my dad, said she’d found this bear
he was friendly enough, do you think he should stay.......You changing to 2nd person........"friendly enough; she thought he should stay"
what my dad said next well he made my day

Thanks for sharing :D

James

Hi James,

Some excellent suggestions. And I think you're right about tightening up a bit. And I know chocolate is not good for dogs but I don't think a 15 year old would care and I know the dog wouldn't. But perhaps you're right that I shouldn't be a bad example.
Will definately incorporate your suggestions in the rewrite. Always appreciate your contribution in this forum and to my songs.

Thanks,

Neil

Yes, would a 15 year old care is the operative question. When we are trying to write from the perspective of anti-us how do you get the correct mindset. Would a 15 year old take in a stray dog and then accidentally abuse it? Would he suddenly take out pent up anger on it the way immaure people unfortunately do.
How do we as writers, see through the eyes of a 15 year old and try to project their vision and thoughts?

Hi Neil,

ah yes the chocolate, that was the first thing that came to my mind :roll: .

As James says its all there, well done, I liked it.
she picked him up and carried him down the stairs....Bear implies a big dog

Not sure about that, Teddy bear came to my mind so could be small dog

cheers

Paul