Hi all,
OK so this is my first ever attempt at writing a song and I am incredibly nervous about uploading it here, but am also looking forward to hearing what you've all got to say.
I know this is an old topic but this stood out at me as being a good one to jump in on ( and I know I haven't followed the rules completely but come on its my first attempt :D ).
OK enough babbling, here we go:
VERSE
She talks to no one in particular
Just faces in the crowd
But no one stops to listens
No, no one hears a sound
VERSE
Sirens wail in the distance
And heads stop to turn and stare
The scene that just unfolded
Its so hard to not despair
CHORUS
She's screaming her lungs out
Just trying to be heard
But the people just stare
Not hearing a word
VERSE
Her face has turned stone grey
There's blood on the ground
She looks down at her body
And tries to make a sound
CHORUS
She's screaming
She's screaming
She's screaming
Thanks!
I see dead people.
Cool idea to have a ghost talking. Much better than the "She talks to Angels" concept. Welcome to the SSG forum. Keep writing.
Hi Jordan,
I'd say pretty good for a first attempt. Good imagery. My only suggestion is to do a little more with the last chorus.
One thought, in keeping with the first chorus, is
now her screams are silent
her final attempt to be heard
still the people just stare
still not hearing a word
Welcome to the group. Look forward to seeing more of your work.
Neil
Hi Jordan,
Welcome to SSG! :D The first post is the hardest and now that you've done that, lay your fears to rest and enjoy the ride!
Regarding this song. I like how you get the ideas across in a minimal manner. I like your use of imagery: Sirens wail, stone grey, blood on the ground
Suggestion: Consider reorganizing the verse order.
The good news is the verses work within in themselves, so it's just a matter of verse order to bring clarity.
After V1, I didn't know what was happening, after v2 I understood there was some problem but didn't know how or if it related to the singer. After V3 I saw the connection, but then had to go back and reread how it fit together.....so I spent most of the song not knowing what was happening......Most listeners will tune out or go on to something else rather than try to figure out the meaning.
The sooner in the song you can get the listener on the same page as you in understanding what is happening, the sooner the listener/reader and enjoy the song/read
This order helps me "get it" sooner.
VERSE
Sirens wail in the distance
And heads stop to turn and stare
The scene that just unfolded
Its so hard to not despair
CHORUS
She's screaming her lungs out
Just trying to be heard
But the people just stare
Not hearing a word
VERSE
Her face has turned stone grey
There's blood on the ground
She looks down at her body
And tries to make a sound
CHORUS
VERSE
She talks to no one in particular
Just faces in the crowd
But no one stops to listens
No, no one hears a sound
She's screaming
She's screaming
She's screaming
Thanks for sharing.
James
Wow!! Thank you for the responses everyone! You've put my mind at ease that I may be able to do this songwriting thing :shock:
I realised last night that this was also my first ever forum post too! (a bit weird at 27 but hey!)
Neil: Thank you. I thought it needed something else when reading through, it just didn't seem long enough but I couldn't see where to go with it so I'll definitely have a play around with that.
James: Amazing, thanks for such an in depth feedback. This is why I joined this forum! I think I went with the V1 first because of the assignment but the rearrangement flows much better as a story.
I may be able to do this songwriting thing :shock:
You sure can. No need to doubt. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the journey :wink:
A good start. Welcome to the forum and to songwriting.
I also had some trouble following the story. If not for the title, I would not have been sure what it was about. Normally the title would appear somewhere in the song, maybe as a repeated first or last line in the verses or in the chorus.
Renee
