Mementos
I found a box in the attic
It said Mary’s stuff on the side
Her death was traumatic
I found her body when she died
C:It’s been years since it happened
Her blue eyed memory remains
The weight of it has lessened
I still dream of her veins
I pulled out her red scarf
Memories of snow in central park
Holding her on fisherman's wharf
Our touch shot sparks
I grabbed a CD by Ween
Dazed and hazed sunshine drives
Chocolate and Cheese summer dreams
Thought there was no end to our lives
C:
I found a black and white photograph
Her black hair dripping off the chair
Her arms were covered in tracks
I got goosebumps from her grey stare
C:
Quite a coincidence that we both wrote about running across black and white photos. Yours is a chilling story with some concrete images.
This line could be stronger: I found her body when she died
Maybe something like this: I found her where she died
I wasn't sure where you were going with this line until I got to the end:
I still dream of her veins
It seemed like a strange thing to say.
Instead of this: I got goosebumps from her grey stare
How about: I felt as cold as her grey stare
Renee
That is a cool coincidence about the black and white photos. I like your suggestions, and another line I think I need to change is "Her death was traumatic." Well, I'll keep thinking about it...
+1 to Rene's comments
The veins ...threw me off also, so I'd agree to keep working at it....and easy rhyme would be "pain" but might lead to cliché line.
I also really like the use of concrete images here.
Thanks for sharing.
James
