hey....
I guess it's about how easily things can get obsessive..... if this makes any sense. maybe don't take the song literally.. or maybe just take it literally.. ;)
At the outset
At first it was a drying river's estuary
Whose anorexic beauty was very attracting
But for the benefit of aesthetic means
I made an effort getting further downstream
Later that year I shipped myself
To the seventh sea of her tears' cascade
Enslaving the apoplectic waves
And rejoicing in their tamed grace
In the end I succumbed to the ocean
With its infinite shades of silence
And the adorning reflections
As well as its love for the sun setting
That's something we share……this is rare
……even so…
I might've been presumptuous, thinking I'd belong
Ah, yes, in starless nights I doubt and realize
That reason is a shore I won't reach anymore
And this salt water won't cure my sore throat
I send doves to take my notes to the coast
As time proceeds it becomes clear
They never manage to deliver my pleas
I mean, who trusts in doves,
So all I can do is go with the flow
………
Amazing, just before I give in to famine,
The current takes me to the shore
Dam.n it, the shore is liquid,
Now I don't even have an aim anymore
And this ocean's beauty no longer soothes me
No longer screens my weakness in its gleam
Yeah, I was flawed at the outset.
hope you like it.
cheers,
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Bluenightangel,
As usual I waited until last to read your post because your work is always good for a read or three before it sinks into my thick skull.
This one only took twice.
Once literally and once as metaphor
Either way it works
Nice Job
Celt
Brilliant. Everything was right in place. Literally or not, it was just an excellent song! I was wondering what you were up to this week (since you always seem to post early) and now I know that you just really got into this one! Loved it. Favorite part:
Amazing, just before I give in to famine,
The current takes me to the shore
Dam.n it, the shore is liquid,
Now I don't even have an aim anymore
Keep it up!
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
The Mistress of Lyrical Deception strikes again..... :D
Yeah, you got the imagery, you got the story, I can even put a rhythm to this....now if my two remaining brain cells could just work out what it's all about....
Just joking, I think I actually understand this one!!!!
One tiny point to mention....in the first verse, you use "attracting" where "attractive" would sound better....and the next line, "but for the benefit of aesthetic means" might read better as "but for my own aesthetic schemes" or "to fulfill my aesthetic dreams", either line followed by "I wandered on downstream" or "I ventured on downstream"...."wandered" might give the sense of a child following a dream, whilst "ventured" gives more of a sense of an adult following a dream.....up to you, Anne, but I thought those two lines needed revising to fit in with the sort of dreamy feel I get from this.....
As always, a pleasure to read your work.....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
hey your song is ace. i needed a dictionary for some of the words but i guess something new added to my vocab can only be a good thing :D .
enjoyed this song imagine what your songwriting is going to be like in a couple of years. makesure you stick at it :)
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great.
--Mark Twain
hey all
thanks a lot for the feedback :D
you got a rhythm, vic? cool... :lol:
as for your suggestions:
I would like to keep "attracting" rather than attractive because this way it kinda rhymes with "downstream".
I see that the "benefit" part could sound off when singing.. just like the phrase a lot... still.. might replace it later, if necessary, with one of your ideas;)
the other thing about the last line of the first verse... thanks you pointed that out!
I think it's going to be "I ventured further downstream" .
thank you again, celt, pierson, vic and jadiny :D
you're sweet.
bluenightangel
p.s. jadiny....... isn't it beautiful to learn new words from songs ? at least I feel this way, for me it's bright eyes songs who sporadically make me get my dictionary :wink:
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
yeah it is nice to learn new words from songs. i'm learning alot from yours lol :D .
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great.
--Mark Twain
Wow this is intresting. I'm finding it hard to see it as a song, seems very much like a spoken poem in my ear. I'd love to hear a demo.
The king of rock, some say lives
the lizard king, is surely dead
the king of France, lost his head
the King of Kings... bled
( email me at esherman@wideopenwest.(com). I almost never check my hotmailaccount.
