I had a few ideas for songs for this assingment, 2 of them I wrote. I decided to post this one.
Beauty in the Beast
There was a glare that flashed and caught my sight.
I saw the water shimmer from the corner of my eye.
As I looked down and stared into the face of a beast
I didn't want to know how alike it was to me.
It's just the way I saw the rain pour down.
The face I saw when none were around.
The wave that pointed out my sins.
The wake that calls from the outside in.
Intrigued by the view, my curious self
was found trying to look closer inside.
He tried to see what was in the depths
but they had not a thing to hide.
An image painted on the surface
reflects and brings me to my knees.
A tear slips out from the knowledge
that this beast is inside of me.
It's just the way I saw the rain pour down.
The face I saw when none were around.
The wave that pointed out my sins.
The wake that calls from the outside in.
My calmness broke and so did the lake's.
I slashed at the surface, bringing up some in cuped hands.
I took my fists and cleansed my face.
But when the calmness returned, so did the man.
It's just the way I saw the rain pour down.
The face I saw when none were around.
The wave that pointed out my sins.
The wake that calls from the outside in.
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
Very nice. Great topic.
The first verse and chorus are good.
"Intrigued by the view, my curious self
was found trying to look closer inside.
He tried to see what was in the depths
but they had not a thing to hide. "
-I had a little trouble with this part. the second and fourth lines seem a little awkward - They seem forced for the rhyme - especially the last line.
The next four lines are excellent, though.
"I slashed at the surface, bringing up some in cuped hands."
-this line doesn't flow well for me (especially the second half).
Overall, this is very good. I just think those lines could use some minor tweaking and it could go from good to great.
:) Portia
I like it.
Maybe you cold add to it though, by describing how you hide what's inside from the people on the outside. And how he got in there in the first place.
The tricks to the illusion. Give us the whole story.
Portia's got a point about the forced rhymes...I had a little trouble with the "cupped hands" line....
But I think it's just the right length, and you've got a nice blend of imagery and intrigue....leaves the reader thinking about the song....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Pierson,
Good Job.
Great imagery throughtout.
Wish I could say otherwise but I too stumbled over the "cupped hands" part. It's a great image but doesn't quite flow right.
Although it may just the order of the words.
"bringing some up in cupped hands" works a little better for me.
Of course that just my opinion.
Celt
Yeah, I admit that I had some struggle with the "cupped hands" line. I couldn't explain it any other way, so I had to just slow that whole verse down and make it sound like a bridge. It flows nicely the way i sing it. I comment a lot about the flow of songs, but I guess it's just because we have to hear it first. Thanks for all of your comments!
leaves the reader thinking about the song....
This is what I was going for, hairball (mind if I call you that?) I like to connect with the listener. So, if he/she feels the same way it won't be because of the stuff I have done but for what they have done. It's the imagination.
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
Yeah, you got that right....it's all about stimulating the imagination, making the reader see what's in your mind's eye....
Hairball? Where do you get that from? Oh thank you, from now on I'm going to be thought of as something that's been coughed up from a cat's throat....!!!!!!
My name is Vic.....!!!!!
:D
Vic
.
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
