hi. alright I admit, I didn't really leave the place where I usually write, only left the room and wrote on the balcony.... hope it counts anyway. maybe I'll manage to fullfil the task more properly within the next days but as I don't have much spare time I just post this for now :wink:
Obscene
Is this……… what held me back so long?
I see the green the green the violet
Obscene
Violet breaks the colour scheme
And after all
It turns to grey
The fence is ruined
The cars are hollow
And the streets as empty
Buzz comes from behind me
Farthest corner of my periphery
Is this…… the heart of my darkest secrets?
Ignore me ignore me ignore it all
Obscene
It all breaks down in front of me
And after all
It turns to grey
The fence is ruined
The windows hollow
And the houses as empty
The skyline's been moving
Stirring the dust on my evening
Should've listened to Emily saying: „Get in
Your possessions out there it's freezingâ€
Obscene
Know that souls, too, can freeze
And after all
It turns to grey
The fence is ruined
The promises hollow
And embraces as empty
Rain left streaks on the asphalt
That are never, never gonna dry
Is this………… what held me back so long?
Is this… the heart of my darkest secrets?
not sure about the green part, thought it would be a good song to bring Emily back in but maybe not...? first had the following part there:
Why is it that after I returned
From my sleep upon the hill
Why is it people's faces all look like Will's
On the day of his awake
As empty, obscene
In his vulnerability
should I leave the green part out altogether??
greetings
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Hey Blue,
I really like your chorus, and I like the structure you've got with a repetitive-ish line followed by just obscene and then carrying on. Has a nice stop-start flow to it, if there can be such a thing.
Your use of words in general is great, like looking at large, colourful painting. I really feel like you are setting a scene before us with this song, which maybe adds a little intrigue to the title, obscene. Makes you think about it twice, anyway.
So yeah, love it!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
hey:)
Your use of words in general is great, like looking at large, colourful painting.
................*blushing*....................Thanks!
I haven't got anything for the music but when I sang it thru the repetitive-ish lines flowed quite well and 'obscene' hung itself on their tails...little break...then it went on...... no definite thing yet but maybe, someday;)
what d'you think about the green part? at the moment I'm more for leaving it out, I guess,... or maybe not?
thank you;)
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Very vivid, absoluetly bursting with imagery....yeah, gjbrake hit the nail on the head there, sound-paintings.....
As for the part with Emily....leave her in this time, I know you've been trying to get her in a song for ages!!!!
:) :) :)
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Yay! Emily stays :D
thanks for encouraging:)
bluenightangel
...........still fascinated with those words of sound-paintings...
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Definitely keep the green. I liked Emily when she appeard some months back, and I still like her. Particularly the line "Know that souls, too, can freeze" I loved that line before, and still love it. It's one of those lines that I wish I'd written.
Also liked the changes in these passages:
And after all
It turns to grey
The fence is ruined
The windows hollow
And the houses as empty
And after all
It turns to grey
The fence is ruined
The promises hollow
And embraces as empty
excellent excellent writing there, BNA. Terrific, if you like, but excellent is better than terrific.
One tiny nit-picky grammatical note, in this line:
Rain left streaks on the asphalt
That will never, never gonna dry
the last line should read "That are never, never gonna dry" . I only mention it because I know English is not your primary language. But honestly, you write english better than a lot of folks for whom it is their primary language.
But the song is bursting with powerful imagery, and is a wonderful piece of work, and I'll celebrate Emily's return as well.
Good job,
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Emily has got some friends around here :D
thank you, scratch(excellent is a beautiful word, too :wink: )
and thanks for correcting that one line, I was not sure about it and thought I'd see it as two seperate things so I won't have to know the exact grammatical wording(dunno how to explain it, like 'that will never' is seperate from 'never gonna dry', like you start saying the first, stop like changing your mind but don't and continue differently but saying the same............ er yep.) nevertheless it's much better the way you suggested, so thanx!
just edited it.
thank you :D
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Hey, Emily rules!! can't really add any thing to what the others have said already, as always great work!!!--the dog
bluenightangel,
Nice to see Emily back. She works much better here.
Good work
Celt
