Y3week5 "13 people hurt"

im taking away a huge jumble of things from this song I got very confused through most of it. I fealy like I was in some sort of huricane or typhoon it is a really good idea and like most responses here I would say that the flow is kicking me all over the place. I do like your headline though.

Hi Bluenightangel

There is some really good lines in here but ( for me ) there is something missing . I can't put my finger on it , I have read this over and over and still feel something is lacking .

Sorry Bluenightangel but that's how this made me feel and that's that

good writting of lines though

cheers

I'm struggling with it, too.

Help us out here, Bluenightangel. Where's this one going?

Best,

A :-)

Hey bluenightangel,

This one does seem a bit disjointed. The confusing aspect for me is that you seem to be mixing images.

13 people hurt in a massacre
"... you could as well be drowning"

You said in your post that the headline was about a canoe in a typhoon, which is fine and good, then your people get hurt in a massacre, ... also fine and good, but different. Now the person your character is speaking to could "as well be drowning". Fit's with the explanation of the headline, but not with the massacre. And the explanation isn't part of the song.

I suppose a "massacre" could refer to a natural phenomena, but more often it's used to describe a violent "group of people" to "group of people" clash.

"You want to get laid why you're already checkmate "
This line escapes me completely, bna. The chess reference completely eludes me in the context of everything else that's going on here.

The overall sense I get from this, is that you have someone here who is too concerned with their own hurts, to extend compassion to others who are also hurting, and perhaps to a much greater degree. I think that's where you're going (?) You have some really powerful images in there, it's just that some of them don't fit. Does that make any sense?

Anyways, that's just my $0.02, I could be off.

-- Scratch 8)

hey folks:)

sorry that you got so confused with it.
scratch is mostly right with his interpretation that it is about someone who is too concerned with himself(in that case herself) to feel compassion for other people(in this case victims shown in the news).

I thought we could just do like free association with the headline so it's really nothing to do with a typhoon here. I just concentrated on the 13 people hurt- in my song it's because of a massacre and this is reported in the news. the 'drowning' line is metaphorical- she's drowning in compassion for herself, in repenting(?)..

'checkmate is also metaphorical- she can go nowhere she is already beaten- so why should he sleep with her, it wouldn't make things any better.

gotta go now but I'll be back later, explaining more, if you like.
hope this helped.
bluenightangel

I thought we could just do like free association with the headline
I think you're right there. But even so, the metaphors don't mix well. At least for me. You're pretty much a whiz with phrases, so perhaps you could take those two lines ( drowning, and checkmate) and see what other metaphors you might try to arrive at the same meaning?

Just a thought.

-- Scratch 8)

Hi!

Like this line:
You're dragging me across the floor and I just can't see the lines of chalk no more

I like the way this song makes me feel: it's like a storm of news is blowing around me. The 'compassion with other people' vs. 'feeling sorry for yourself' theme I like very much.

But I also think that massacre and drowning don't really mix.
You want to get laid why you're already checkmate
This I don't really understand. The word checkmate doesn't help.

Christiaan.

alright, back again;)

let's see......I still don't think there's a problem with massacre and drowning, don't you have this saying(drown in self-pity)? anyway it isn't important for me to have that certain word in the song, so here are some other suggestions:

how about 'tossing and turning', too long maybe but that's the only one I found that would fit the rhyming scheme:

And why bother with them suffering when you could as well be tossing and turning
In your own compassion for everything you've messed up without learning a lesson

or wait, got a better one:

And why bother with them suffering when you could as well be revelling
In your own compassion for everything you've messed up without learning a lesson

'checkmate' on the other hand is a word I'd love to keep in :cry:
christiaan, I'll try to explain it more properly now, ok:)
You want to get laid why you're already checkmate
the self-centred girl, who is all about self-pity at the moment, tries to hide from the reproaches of the boy(hides in the hooded sweatshirt) and she is like, everything's screwed up, so why don't we just sleep with each other so there is something beautiful at least or maybe she fears the relationship is about to break and that is her last attempt to save it. so 'you want to get laid' = the girl wants the boy to sleep with her
the boy on the other hand doesn't think it would help and thinks she would just degrade herself this way(if they do it)
'you're already checkmate' = she's already so deep down, it wouldn't improve the situation, she would only degrade herself more-- she's checkmate(rhymezone.com: place an opponent's king under an attack from which it cannot escape and thus ending the game)
...so he doesn't want to but then is like- hey why not('still want to get some') and in the end he falls back into the relationship

did I make sense now? :roll:
do you all really think the word doesn't fit at all and I should find another one? I love it so much........

lotto king, you said something is missing here... maybe it's the lack of a decent chorus or anything like that. I'm not that satisfied with the endless repeating of 'hurt' anymore.............. between the verses it's okay as '13 people hurt' should be like a reporter saying it/news extract and then just repeating hurt once. maybe I'll just leave out the most part of the 'hurts' in the end? Jesus, this needs a lot more work than I thought.

see you
bluenightangel

And why bother with them suffering when you could as well be revelling
What about "wallowing"?

would be perfect from the meaning but don't you think it would sound weird to sing ' as well be wallowing'?

I dunno.
but thanx for bothering to suggest anything;)
bluenightangel

And why bother with them suffering when you could as well be revelling
What about "wallowing"?

Hey again.

This is what I get from your song:
This girl is too caught up in how messed up her life is to care about what is going on elsewhere (13 people hurt). She wants to get laid as a forget-it-all-for-a-moment release. The narrator is the one who sees the news story, and he sees how she doesn't care. This annoys him, and he tries to resist in an attempt to make her snap out of her self-indulgent depression. However, he doesn't like to see her hurting and gives in anyway, whilst wishing he wasn't. In the end though he has become as obsessed with her 'pain' as she is and both are ignoring the news story that continues in the background.

Not quite what you had in mind when writing it, but such is the beauty of songwriting and different interpretations.

Generally a very powerful and somewhat depressing song! I love the idea of having a news reader in the background. I love the checkmate line too.

As far as this line goes:
And why bother with them suffering when you could as well be drowning
In your own compassion for everything you've messed up without learning a lesson

-I actually quite like the parallel with the disaster and her drowning. Not convinced that 'in your own compassion' works that well though. Compassion hints at a desire to change things - not really all that self-indulgent. Still, it adds a nice rhyme, so you might want to keep it for that.

Sorry to seem to disagree with everyone else - no doubt that just adds to the confusion!!! That's just what I think.

Also, if you did want to change the drowing bit, I second the suggestion from Scratch of using 'wallowing'. That works really well too.

Hope this helps.
G

thank you very much for posting your opinion! :D
I'm so fu.cking glad at least someone does understand what I was going for and does love 'checkmate', too :lol:
you don't have to be sorry, you really made me feel a lot better about this song.

I like the way you interpreted it, which is basically how I wanted it to come across with some minor changes but really well-expressed(I struggled explaining it, you know) and I'm happy you like the news in the background idea- even took it one step further, which I like;)
Not convinced that 'in your own compassion' works that well though exactly! I was stumbling about this one, too but as no one else seemed to notice it I thought it would be okay. you're also right about the rhyme thing which is why I still keep it in- didn't find any other word that means something like it and rhymes with 'lesson'....

I think I have to contemplate on this 'drowning'/'wallowing' thing a bit more. I might take 'wallowing', as you say it would fit and scratch obviously thinks so, too and it's the 'safer' way;)

thank you G
bluenightangel

didn't find any other word that means something like it and rhymes with 'lesson'....
obsession? Not quite the same meaning, but it fits the mood of the song, and it rhymes with lesson.