Y4W27 - Just another missed sunrise - by manontheside // MP3

Hi man,

I think there's something really good here and I wonder if some simplification could bring it out.

I'm confused in the first verse a little; "shedding light in annoying lines through my blinds" is a really nice image but it seems to contradict your "safe haven." Perhaps if you followed it with, "an intrusion of my safe Haven for darkness and night a place void from light that is my home "

For the chorus, I might be trimming some thoughts you would like to retain, but, just a suggestion . . . .

Just another sunrise
and another identical day
and I lie here hugging my pillow indifferently
not doing anything but wasting the time away

Verse 2; "In a wasteland of motivation, my only inspirational thought" I think this is a really great line. I like it a lot. I would like to see this line at the beginning of the verse, something like;

In a wasteland of motivation, my only inspirational thought
is stymied by my procrastination
and it begins to rot and gets thrown away with the rest
just another useless day and nothing gets done

Just some thoughts . . . . . .,

Hi chefie,

Thanks for the kind words and suggestions!

I see your point with the blinds, I guess I was BLIND not to notice (my puns need a bullet)
As for the chorus, I mean to change it around a littel bit, I felt the music got a little bit too 'happy'.
When it comes to the second verse, I'll have to sit down and see how your suggestions flow (silly me, always quick to add chords) But I like the rewrites and I hope to make them work (through more rewrites if need be)

:)
-man

Hi Man!

First up, great song! Got a very nice feel to it.

Like Chefie though, I had an issue with the line about light coming through the blinds. I see where you were coming from but as Chefie alluded to, it is just a little contradictory to the rest of the verse.

My only other issue was with the last line in the prechorus:
I tuck myself in, it's my sanctuary
Close my eyes, become invisible
So warm, so warm, I want to stay here forever
Of course, I understand you're not overly comfortable with the prechorus at this stage. Nevertheless, the only issue I had was that in the previous verses you indicate that you're not really wanting to stay in bed. Though I could be interpreting this incorrectly. :oops:

I must say though that I really like your chorus. And the best couple of lines:
In a wasteland of motivation, my only inspirational thought
It's already begun to rot and nothing gets done
Love it.

Well done. 8)

Hi Bennett,

Thanks, appreciate every word!

I've sat myself down and tried to make chefie's suggestions fit in, I think the second verse flows better now. So I edited the original one above.
Thanks about the chorus! :) I've decided to keep the it as is, just a little mixing up the chords and it sounds good (to me, that is... no one else has heard it yet :shock:)

About the prechorus, it's meant to 'justify' just staying in bed because it feels good, even though nothing gets done. But I understand your confusion, I don't know.. maybe I could make it longer to clarify... not sure... If there're aren't any suggestions I may skip it (or even better, try to work out something new)

I have a slight problem regarding recording it though... I'm not sure about how stymid is pronounced.. Someone care to widen my vocabularitionalisticish horizon?

:)
-man

About the prechorus, it's meant to 'justify' just staying in bed because it feels good, even though nothing gets done. But I understand your confusion, I don't know.. maybe I could make it longer to clarify... not sure... If there're aren't any suggestions I may skip it (or even better, try to work out something new)
Ya know, the more I read it, the more I think it's fine as it is. :oops: Nevertheless don't hesitate to ask for feedback if you want to try something different. :)
I have a slight problem regarding recording it though... I'm not sure about how stymid is pronounced.. Someone care to widen my vocabularitionalisticish horizon?
Hehe, it's great that this songwriting business has the side-effect of broadening our vocabularitionalisticish horizons. :D

Pronunciation is stim-eed. Hope that helps. :)

Actually, here's a link from the dictionary site I use ... complete with audio pronunciation (I hope it's correct as I haven't actually listened to it :oops:).

Thanks for that link Bennett, great site :D
And relax, you were correct ;) I've got a somewhat sore throat, but I'll see what I get done with recording and all, I'll spend today trying to do some writing as well :D

Be good!

:)
-man

Hi MOTS

I like the flow of the chorus - it's like the words just rush over one another and yet stay very focused. Makes me think of all the buzzing and activity going on in an anthill or beehive. Which is actually, when you think about it, at odds with the song. Got to love a paradox.

Don't know what you're thinking music-wise, but this one line in the chorus:
but it's not how I want my days to be

might be something that could get sung descant over the other lines. Maybe at the start of a verse, too.

Looking forward to more.

Peace

Hi

This is a great take on the assingment ..

well done

Hilch :?:

Thanks guys,

I've uploaded a version to my soundclick today. David, I was wondering if you could give it a listen and tell me how (or if) you'd like the line from the chorus to be sang over the other lines. I'm having trouble hearing how it could fit, but I really like the idea.

:)
-man

Just a followup on the prechorus along the lines of what Bennett said:

Not sure if it fits metrically but the line "I tuck myself in, it's my sanctuary", consider something like...

"I tuck myself in, and lock myself away".

Two contrasting images that lend to the overall message of the song, which seems to be "I know I need to do something, but I enjoy being comfortable too much." But you may have not been talking about a simple line change.

Nice lyrics. Very descriptive. Good luck with the song.

Just had a listen. And I know I've said it before, but I really like your style. This, like your "Blissful Love" song was a pleasure to listen to. 8)

Oh, and I think this verse sounded great especially the first two lines. "Stymied" fit perfectly too.
In a wasteland of motivation, my only inspirational thought
is stymied by procrastination and begins to rot
It gets thrown away with the rest
Just another useless day and nothing gets done

I also think the prechorus -> chorus worked great in the mp3.

Looking forward to more. 8)

Thanks Bennett!

Chefie helped me a great deal there, I'm really satisfied with it myself.

Dustdevil,
"I tuck myself in, and lock myself away".

would work like a charm metrically. I like the imagery of it too. I'll have to sit myself down and figure out if I want to change it. Thanks :)

:)
-man

Hello

This is very good .. I was concerned with some of the lines but after reading the other posts here it has cleared my questions ...

L.K

Hey man, I just listened to your tune on Soundclick. I really like the style of music, very similar to my own. One of the few songs on Soundclick that I've actually "rewinded" to listen to again.

Keep up the work, you're good, and you can only get better.