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Y4week48 loosening the grip

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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

hey.ho.let's.go:

Loosen the grip

We were always together
On crooked trees or crayon landscapes
Ignoring lectures and the weather
We used to dream the days away

Never tell anyone
Where we'd gone
With hearts loose between fingertips
Not held in a firm and anxious grip
Like older hands often tend to do

The woods grew like you and me did, too
But so much slower
Someday there was nowhere
Nowhere new to go
The beaten paths- that's how we lost our past

We lost touch soon after that.

Once, when I was stalked by a depression
I thought I'd never see you again

But now I've found it's easy
Go see a movie for children
One of those with happy ends
It's easy
Laugh aloud like children
You'll feel lighter then

.
.
There's few friends now that accept you around
They are wild like children
Like you in me
Precious moments of oblivion and relief

i don't like the last line of the first verse.. any ideas of how to put it differently? not so cheesy?
anyways.. i dunno if i even like the piece as a whole.
speak your mind.

cheers,
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Hi BNA

I like what you have here but have a problem with finding
a rhythm to this piece. It seems to me that this needs a little
more structure. I know it is your style to ramble with your
lyrics but I think it hurts this piece and what you are trying to
get across. Looking over the song I noticed that the number of
syllables (or beats) varied widely from verse to verse.

Verse 1 (7,9,9,8 )

Bridge or chorus 1 (6,3,8,9,9)

Verse 2 (9,5,6,5,10)

Bridge or chorus 2 (7,10,9)

Verse 3 (10,6,4,12)

I'm not saying we should stick to a strict pattern in all our writing
but think it does help convey a sense of rhythm that is needed
in this particular piece.

Hope you don't mind but I did an interpretation of what I'm
speaking of trying to keep your writing as intact as possible
while trying to create that sense of rhythm.

I also included my idea for that last line of the first verse.

The numbers indicate the beats in each line.

8 - Once we were always together
8 - Crooked trees on crayon landscapes
10 - Ignoring lectures about the weather
8 - Dreams used to waste our days away

8 - Don't tell anyone where we've gone
8 - With hearts loose between fingertips
8 - Not held in a firm anxious grip
8 - As these older hands tend to do

8 - The woods grew like you and I did
8 - Yet they grew so much slower too
10 - Some days when there was nowhere new to go
8 - On beaten paths we'd loose our past

8 - We would loose touch soon after that
8 - I was stalked by a depression
8 - Thought I'd never see you again
8 - Never touch your face in the rain

8 - But now I've found it easier
8 - To see movies meant for children
10 - The ones with those same old happy endings
8 - To laugh like a child and feel free

8 - Fewer friends accept you around
8 - They all act like wild children
10 - Like you and I seeking precious moments
8 - Of oblivion and relief

Didn't mean to get all OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
on you. Sorry :oops:

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

BNA, what you have here is a nice piece of poetry - the imagery's lovely, as usual, and you tell a good story - but John does have a point, if you want to write songs, you really have to tighten up the meter....

It's a nice story, beautifully told, but.............

How do you put music to it? CAN you put music to it? I love looking at everyone's songs on here, and yours is one of the first names I look for - along with Celt and PBee....

I said once before, quite a while ago, your songs/poetry remind me of Nico's time with the Velvet Underground - I get a wistful, nostalgic feeling from this, kids at school together drawing childish pictures and laughing together.....it's lovely, but - it's going to be a struggle to record.....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Blue

I like the idea you started with - it certainly captured the assignment. Lots of excellent imagery.

But I agree with Vic and Celt as it stands it would prove difficult to put music to. Like Celt I'm not saying we need to have a certain number of syllables per line as we can incorporate spaces or hold notes within those lines that are too short and get other ones over very quickly.

The rewrite Celt put together actually works very well and is definitely worth considering.

Good start though

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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 Joe
(@joe)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 504
 

I agree, Angel. As I was reading I saw some really nice imagery and a good story, like most of your stuff, but I always get a bit distracted or even lost about halfway through because I want to read it like a song rather than poetry and if I have to struggle too much you lose me. But it's nice to see your beautiful words captured in a steady rhythm that a simpleton like me can follow. I guess that's the difference between poetry and songs--I never realized how much difference there was until I joined this forum. Would love to hear this recorded.

Joe


   
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