Y6week12 when the wind falls silent

I'll comment more fully a bit later, but you might wanna take a read through Arthur Rimbaud's Drunken Boat (Le Bateau Ivre, I believe) - the opening really evoked that poem in my mind, same kinda vibe. I agree its such a shame about Heath - and his last finished film The Dark Knight is supposed to be by far his best and a legendary performance even without the attendent romanticism of celebrity deaths. Even Gary Oldman reckoned people would be blown away by Heath's role in it.

i like this but for me it starts on the third verse. i don't need the first two verses.

the good news: i really like it

yeah me too. For me I the first 2 verses set the mood of our subject "up the creek without a paddle" so to speak with just little glimpses of hope now and then.

good work SC

cheers
Paul

I'm with Jane on not being sure about needing the first two verses. It does set up the song nicely, as Paul says, but then it kind of goes in a totally different direction. Of course, there are countless songs that do that, so hearing it would definitely help and the fact that you have a melody already is probably a good sign that it does work. And I'd be more than happy to see what I could come up with music-wise if you want to send me the melody. You might even want to give it to a handful of folks to see how different each take is on it.

One question - is this part:

[besides home is a fictitious concept and “there's nowhere that
I really need to be”]

part of the lyric? Is it a descant part (something that's sung while the melody of another line is being sung)?

And one totally nitpicky thing - stars don't reflect light like the moon, so that kind of spoils the third stanza. I like the line immediately before ("...They are frauds like the moon is...") but I think you undermine that great line by tossing off the next one. I've got a hunch, though, that that's just my take on it...

Looking forward to more.

Peace

as a possible rewrite of the stars not reflecting light thing David picked up on, how about something like this:

The stars are just shards of glass
Scattered upon a ceiling blackened with soot
They are frauds like the moon is
Which merely reflects
The lack of meaning in them

doesn't break the rhythm too much, and doesn't go against modern science (Unlike Katie Melua, lol)

lots of replies :D

thanks for the tip, i need to look at the poem more closely (when i got more time and am not so hungry :wink: ), but as far as i can see now i might really like it a lot. this stanza here is beautiful:
And from that time on I bathed in the Poem
of the Sea, star-infused and churned into milk,
devouring the green azures where, entranced
in pallid flotsam, a dreaming drowned man sometimes goes down; :D

paul, i am dumbfounded- i have been looking for the word for these things you use to row a boat, and i have been looking a long time (couldn't even think of the German word for it) before i found "oar". and here you go saying "paddle" like it's the easiest thing :lol:

maybe you are right, i don't need these first verses. but i like (the feel of) them :D and, thus, will be so free to keep them :lol:

david, the part you asked about - it belongs to the lyric, and, well, could be sung like an afterthought.. or almost spoken.. or spoken... er... :)
yes, you're right, stars don't reflect the light. yet, i did not mention light, did i? :wink: of course, comparing them to the moon sounds like i'm thinking of light.. well, i thought more of the stars mirroring our imagination- being a reflection of the wishes/beliefs we project onto them - they themselves are largely meaningless and we fill them with meaning.. it's much like the shooting star- who says it can fulfill wishes? (at least the song, or the persona :wink: , doubts it)
however, i like skrybe's suggestion... maybe i'll use it. i'd be very happy to see what you come up with music-wise. if you could pm me your e-mail address? (didn't find it anywhere)

thank you, everyone.
as always appreciated your comments :D
cheers,
straycat.

Interesting that Scrybe picked out Rimbaud as a comparison (I don't actually know the work she mentioned....) but for me it evoked a similar mood and setting to Coleridge's "Rime Of The Ancient Mariner." I like her re-write, too, of the "dubious" lines - I didn't pick up on the fact that star's don't reflect light, I wonder how many people would. (David's quite correct though!)

You seem to have honed your writing style somewhat, Straycat - there's still plenty of imagery, but it's been pared down a little to remove the over-elaborate comparisons. Now I'm thinking "song" instead of "poetry!"

:D :D :D

Vic

thank you, vic :D
coleridge.. my, ain't that a long poem :wink: spotted the "bright-eyed mariner"- already taking to it.
is it possible that someday your hands might think "song", too? :wink:
(you know they are always welcome to do so. no pressure though.)

hope you are having a beautiful weekend.

cheers,
straycat.

Straycat!
You know I really dig your writing, and this is no exception!

For me though - The first two verses were the best of the bunch :D

The first verse gave me a Viking/Greek (Homer) sorta vibe.
Which wasn't able to continue on with the second because of the sextent....
That's quite alright though.
I'm a huge navigation nut, so that really grabbed me.

The line - I am lost beneath foreign skies - was probably my favorite.
I've always been attracted to the whole - Alien distant shore - type of imagry in songs.

Although I personally find meaning in the stars and moon, I could relate to that verse by putting myself in
a position similar to Mel Gibsons character in 'Signs'.... Where his faith is being severely tested.
(Of course bringing up Vic's Shooting Star lyrics :D )

A wonderful journey all in all, as usual!
ThankX for the ride :wink:

Ken

Hi Stray ,

I just spelled your name stary and looked at it and thought thats not right but it suits this this piece in strange way .

I must out line this verse :

Without sextant in my hand
I am lost beneath foreign skies
That when the wind falls silent
Are swallowed by clouds offhand

That is truely beautifully written , bravo I really like that just wish I had come up with it :lol:

Well done

Cheers

Trev.. :wink:

I like this part:
When the wind falls silent

The stars are just shards of glass
Scattered upon a ceiling blackened with soot
They are frauds like the moon is
They merely reflect
There's no meaning in them

It matters less to me that stars actually produce and don't reflect light, etc than the passion behind these lyrics and the flailing sense of frustration this verse conveys. A good vocalist would have a field day with this.

thank you ken, trev and chris :D
so this first verses seem to have found some homes, as well :lol:
glad you like it+you think it's singable.

cheers,
straycat.