Y7W43 You Tattood My Name on Your Shoulder

Good job. :)

As you'd provided a clip I listened to that first. The lyrics seemed to fit the music style to a T. Everything loped along nicely, you got the words to fit the playing, and the imagery was well chosen for the theme. It was only afterwards, when I looked at the lyrics, that it was obvious that there was an unusual mix of rhymes, partial rhymes and no rhyme at all. In one case "eyes" was even matched with "eyes"... So I guess that begs the question "If it sounds OK when it's sung, does it matter if it appears to break any so called 'rules' on the page? I'd be tempted to switch out one pair of eyes, but I wonder what others think?

Cheers,

Chris

Hi Chris, thanks for the comments. I did not notice the pair of eyes. I like the second instance so I would like to
change the first. Perhaps that line could be "The rising sun warming my face".

I have to admit that I do not and was not thinking very much about rhyming. I have not written in awhile and
once I looked at the assignment prompt this thing just came out in ten minutes. It might be helpful to
rework it and use some rhyming schemes and I also would like to know what others think about it?

Thanks.

I love it, stikman. I love your country vocal too- reminds me a little of the great Gram Parsons. (Hope you'll take that as a compliment.) :)

Oh heck yeah Shady! Thanks.

It's nice to hear as my voice makes me uncomfortable :? .

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go find a straight pin to let some pressure out of my head. :lol:

Hi stickman,
sounds good, nice catchy little cowboy number. I don't have any issue with the rhyming scheme so from my perspective I would worry too much about forcing a rhyme in there just for the sake of it. Good stuff

cheers
Paul

I also would like to know what others think about it?
Good start :D I can't remember the last time I listened to a complete country song. I usually get bored and turn it off or switch to something else, but I like this one. Like Chris said, great match of music and lyrics
In one case "eyes" was even matched with "eyes".
How about something like this:
And as I drove on down the highway
The rising sun blinding my eyes
I thought about the note that I left you
I'm not one for goodbyes

This verse doesn't seem to be holding it's weight or adding enough to the song
Well let me just say I'm not crying
I've done this too many times
My cold, cold heart has withered
And it's begging me for a new start

I'd suggest dropping it and bringing up the next verse in it's place....or adding a twist of some sort....deep thinking or comical....maybe as he thinks about the note he realizes he wrote the wrong woman's name on the goodbye letter and something like, "I will be more considerate next time" :roll:

It's just that this hardened old cowboy MAYBE CHANGE TO It's just that this old hardened cowboy

TYPO You Tattooed Your Name on My Shoulder SHOULD BE You Tattooed My Name on Your Shoulder

So what has it been like the weeks you haven't been writing songs? We all go through it. I was wondering if you pushed on try to make something work or just forgot about it for awhile or what.....just curious if you have the time to comment.

Thanks for sharing.

James

Heck yeh
Now this is one reason why I want to play a guitar . . .
so I can play and sing songs like this.
Good job!

KR2, how is your guitar playing and singing coming? There is a book called The Songtrain you can buy at http://www.songtrain.net that is full of playable 2 chord songs in this style as well as others. I've been
working with it to better my singing and strumming and really like the book.

James, thanks for the suggestions. I am glad you were able to listen as your suggestions are helpful.

I think I will add the word long to "I'm not one for long goodbyes" for rhythmic reasons.

The typo is funny. I remember thinking about it before typing it and made the mistake anyway. :oops:

A twist would be good I'll think about it.

To answer you question James:

Way back when I first started participating in the forum I declared that I was going to write 52 songs in one
year. That was a bit premature. :roll: I burned steady for about six weeks and then my muse took a vacation.
I just forgot about writing and started working on covers in an effort to get out and play some open mics.
I am still working on that one.

Also, life happend. I had some family matters to cope with and lost a couple of pets. One, my dog, was a drawn
out ordeal involving cancer and the other , my cat, was sudden when he was run over by a car. I lost them both
within a week of each other. Funny but those times when I should have been writing I wasn't. I was too busy and
too distracted.

Eventually I became interested in studying writing again and thought it would be wise to come back here. I would
like to contribute consistently even if I miss one here and there.

Thanks for asking.

Changed the 3rd verse to twist and kept the 4th. It could be written better I think. I'm trying out the idea.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You Tattooed My Name on Your Shoulder

I got an early start this morning
Hit the road before you awoke
Grabbed my bag stashed in the corner
Took your last can of coke

As I drove on down the highway
The rising sun blinding my eyes
I thought about the note that I left you
I'm not one for long goodbyes

You tattooed my name on your shoulder
Even though I was never around
You should have listened to your mother
She said that some day I'd leave town

Honey about that note I left
Pay the salutation no mind
I know that your name is not Anna
I'll try to be more considerate next time

Now Darling I can't say I won't miss you
And of course I won't blame you at all
It's just that this old hardened cowboy
Can't stay in one town for too long

chorus

That looks tighter, Ernie.
Reads really well . . . now if James can add some harmony :mrgreen:

Here's a link to a picture to go with your Soundclick page

Awesome KR2 thanks!!!!

Here's a link to a picture to go with your Soundclick page
I don't know guys, this looks more like her to me :mrgreen:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/coolnewspics/26375477/
.....oops...Never mind.... I thought this was the Tattoo Tina post :lol:

Oh my!

Ernie,

I agree the rewrite is looking good. Keep up the good work! :D
To answer you question James:
Way back when I first started participating in the forum I declared that I was going to write 52 songs in one
year. That was a bit premature. :roll: I burned steady for about six weeks and then my muse took a vacation.
Kudos for giving it a go!
I just forgot about writing and started working on covers in an effort to get out and play some open mics.
I am still working on that one.
That's a very worthy pursuit as well :wink: I realize, too, that something has to give to make way for growth in other areas.
Also, life happend. I had some family matters to cope with and lost a couple of pets. One, my dog, was a drawn out ordeal involving cancer and the other , my cat, was sudden when he was run over by a car. I lost them both
within a week of each other. Funny but those times when I should have been writing I wasn't. I was too busy and
too distracted.
Sorry for your loss :cry:
Eventually I became interested in studying writing again and thought it would be wise to come back here. I would like to contribute consistently even if I miss one here and there.
That's great!
Thanks for asking.
Thanks for sharing :wink:

James