Y8 Week 11 - You're Not Around

OK, let's get the nit-picky "Grammar Police" quibble out of the way first.....

"Your not around"....."your" is a posessive pronoun. In this song, you're shortening "you are" - "you are not around," so it should read "YOU'RE not alone."

Pffffft - done.

Right - the song. Love some of the imagery - the use of frosted glass in the first verse drew my attention.

"I breath a frozen sigh
Floats like a ghost before my face" - love those lines too.

"Can't seem to think of anything
To rid this everlasting frown" - hmm, if you're going to use "rid" you'd have to use something like, "to rid me of this everlasting frown...." maybe something like "to lose this everlasting frown" or perhaps "to shake this everlasting frown" or even "to blow away this everlasting frown" (that'd fit with the weather theme....)

On the whole, a good read. I can see this slow and bluesy, OR more up-tempo....there's a nice rhythm and flow to the lyrics.
Nice to see you back writing again!

Rock on!

8) 8) 8)

Vic

I keep imagining a little boy waiting for his mother to return from shopping, in the first four verses anyway.
Some nice imagery here - I quite like "The wind starts making faces / Thought I saw the sparkle in your eye"

I think musically you could take this pretty much anywhere, if it were up to me I'd try it with a little acoustic fingerpicking first.

OK, let's get the nit-picky "Grammar Police" quibble out of the way first.....

"Your not around"....."your" is a posessive pronoun. In this song, you're shortening "you are" - "you are not around," so it should read "YOU'RE not alone."

:oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: I feel extremely embarassed about the spelling as it's part of my job to get spelling correct.... I scribbled this down in a half-hour frenzy, but really that's no defence. At least I had written one 'you're' correctly which shows that one brain cell decided to work although involuntarily...

That's for reading and commenting. I'll get back to the other points laters....

Rock on!
D 8)

Hey Dylan,

Nice to see you post again. :D I'm with you on the weather....LA and Bangkok....I've never had a winter :roll:

Suggestions & Comments:

just another winter
colder than the last I LIKE THIS
sitting by the window SEEMS LIKE YOU COULD DO MORE WITH THIS
Staring at frosted glass LIKE THIS

snow is falling heavy
it don't make a sound....MAYBE "DOESN'T MAKE A SOUND"- OR "BLANKETING THE GROUND"
Looks like it's here to stay
BUT you're not around

not around to hold me close and keep me warm DROP THE YOU'REs
not around to save me from this winter storm
not around the snow has covered up your tracks
not around and you ain't never coming back…

Whoa whoo, whoa whoo, whoa whoo, whoa whoooooo

sun's gone into hiding -DROP THE "THEs"
flakes are falling from the sky -MATCH VERB TENSE =FLAKES FALL FROM THE SKY
wind starts making faces
Thought I saw the sparkle in your eye -NEEDS CLARIFYING AS THE SINGEE IS GONE/NOT AROUND

It's getting deeper deeper deeper
No hope for solid ground COULD BE REWORKED
A frozen tear to late to keep her NICE
'CAUSE you're not around

not around to hold me close and keep me warm
not around to save me from this winter storm
not around the snow has covered up your tracks
not around and you ain't never coming back…

Whoa whoo, whoa whoo, whoa whoo, whoa whoooooo

I watch a flame that flickers
It's dying leaves an empty space....MAYBE REWORK A BIT
I breath a frozen sigh LIKE THIS
Floats like a ghost before my face LIKE THIS

Can't seem to think of anything
To shake this everlasting frown
It makes no difference anyway
Now you're not around

not around to hold me close and keep me warm
not around to save me from this winter storm
not around the snow has covered up your tracks
not around and you ain't never coming back…

Consider throwing in a geographic location since you are shooting for characterization with the slang "ain't" and "it don't make"

Take or leave as you please :wink:

James

Thanks James, good to be back.... :D

Some good thoughts and ideas. I agree with most, some I think work better when sung than written.

Don't think I'd like to tie it down to a graphical location - people in most continents use bad grammar :oops: so they'd relate to what's being said.

Thanks, and

Rock on!
D 8)

people in most continents use bad grammar :oops:
LOL :lol:

I haven't poked my head in here for a VERY long time, and I gotta say that I don't know if you've edited your post based on the suggestions or not, but I really love these lyrics, they're spot on, and it's pretty much my life right now :lol: :lol:

Great Job!!

hi dylan, great to see you around!

must say i adore this, so many marvellous lines, beautiful imagery such as the frosted glass, covered tracks, wind making faces and the frozen ghost sigh! wasn't too sure about the frozen tear at first, but seeing that, in the context of the song's imagery, it could refer to an icicle, as well, i like it, too. and i sympathise with your music problems, it's my constant failure :wink:

and i like james' suggestions for the chorus :)

hope you'll get around to recording this some day, i'll keep my fingers crossed!
would love to hear this.
cheers,
straycat.