Hello and Happy New Year to all the SSG. 2009 was rough one for me, and kind of knocked me off my pins so to speak. The song below describes my state of mind currently, so when life gives you lemons, etc....I've decided to use the gloom as a vault back into the SSG.
The Winter of my Discontent
There's a grayness to the landscape
That lies heavy on my heart
There's a song inside my head
That ends before it starts
There's a chill in my bones
That weighs me down like cement
Here in the winter of my discontent.
There's a half a million reasons
That you should still be here
And half a million more
Keep buzzing in my ear
There are all these restless nights
That leave me feeling spent
Here in the winter of my discontent.
Was it something that I said or didn't say?
Was it something that I did or didn't do?
Were there clues that I missed
I didn't get the gist
I should be sitting here along with you.
There's a comfort in monotony
That piles up like dirty snow
All the joy has been sucked out of me
And I question what I know
So when my sunlight re-appears
Will it be heaven sent?
Here in the winter of my discontent
Here in the winter of my discontent.
Kathy Reichert
1/10/2009
Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.
Hi Kat
I like it.
I noticed this verse has seven lines and was wondering if eight would even it out.
There's a half a million reasons
That you should still be here
And half a million more
Keep buzzing in my ear
There are all these restless nights
That leave me feeling spent
In the cold, lonely darknesss
of the winter of my discontent.
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Hey,
Very strong lyrics. Especially the third verse (which looks like it's a bridge) is a flawless piece of writing, very strong.
I know it's tricky to comment on lyrics that obviously have a strong meaning for you, but I have one point of criticism (English isn't my first language, so please disregard this if I didn't understand this right):
"There's a chill in my bones / That weighs me down like cement"
This seems like a strange metaphor since I can't imagine a chill weighing me down.
Something which I'd like better is "There's a weight on my shoulders/that weighs me down like cement" or possibly "There's a tug on my bones/that weighs me down like cement"
Hey Kathy,
I hope 2010 is going to be better than '09.
Anyways back to the song
I tend to agree with Christiaan on the "There's a chill in my bones / That weighs me down like cement"
lines. Just something about it doesn't sit right.
My suggestion would to be to consider moving around the rhyme from the next verse
There's a chill in my bones
That leave me feeling spent
There are all these restless nights
That weigh me down like cement
I sort of like the seven line verse ,but I'm viewing it more as 6 lines + the hook .
Just my thoughts
Take Care
:note1: :note1: :note1:
John
Hi Kathy,
Good start :D Clear emotion comes across. :wink:
Suggestions:
"Keep buzzing in my ear" -stick with the weather references or change as bees/flies/mosquitoes and winter seem a mismatch
There are all these restless nights - try changing "restless" with a weather adjective re: cold and displeasure
I should be sitting here along with you. -change "here" to "there" and "along with you" maybe "by your side" or "sitting next to you" or "I should be sitting/smiling cuddle up with/in you"
"All the joy has been sucked out of me".....change "sucked" to match winter
Take or leave as you wish.
James
PS 2 cents more
There's a chill in my bones
all my hope is spent
Thanks all for the replies, and suggestions.
KR, all the verses have 7 lines, so I wasn't sure why the second one was singled out.
As John suggested, they are 6 lines with a tag.
John, great suggestion on switching the lines around. A simple solution I completely missed.
James, I'll be re-reading all your suggestions when I sit down tonight to do an edit.
Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.
aw, Kathy, this is beautiful! (the title already, have always found the phrase poetic gold)
and marvellously written. i for one am very fond of the "feeling spent" (and of leaving it there by itself, without an extra line to divide it from the winter line).
been thinking the chill-cement combination was a bit odd at first, but have grown to like it, too.
oh and the first two lines of the last verse, about the monotony and dirty snow, awww, terrific!
thanks for sharing!
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
