Not strictly on the topic of weather, but there's a fair bit of snow/ice/freezing going on in this new song of mine, so I thought I'd chance it.
PS: the rhythm is a bit funny in parts, but I think it will be made to work in song through the power of long drawn-out words.
Thanks for reading.
Frozen Hearts
============
You and me, we're in perfect symmetry
Cast in cold motionless harmony
Snowmen stuck in layers of winter coats
And sleeves we wore on hearts
Now so far apart
Who can warm our frozen hearts?
Two ice floes drifting apart
Who can warm our frozen hearts?
Eskimos beneath the stars
Icy vapour fills the void
Between your face and mine
Crystallising into fog
One memory at a time
In glassy eyes I search for signs of life
Who can warm our frozen hearts?
Two ice floes drifting apart
Who can warm our frozen hearts?
Eskimos lost in the dark
I used to fuel myself on your smile
But then a foot became a mile
The fire inside, who knows
Has it died?
Or maybe somewhere an ember still glows
Lying under snow 10 storeys deep
Clinging to our last hope or belief
Squeeze your little hand inside my glove
Reignite...
That long lost love
Who can warm our frozen hearts?
Two ice floes drifting apart
Who can warm our frozen hearts?
Eskimos and northern stars
Who can warm our frozen hearts?
Two ice floes drifting apart
Who can warm our frozen hearts?
Eskimos lost in the dark
Hi Martin,
Good start. :D Nice work isolating an emotion/moment in a relationship.... A lot of imagery going on.
Suggestion:
Consider if there might be too much imagery and possibly develop the how and why aspects of the story. I don't know if this will come across in written form.....but I will try.....As a listener/reader it's ok to come with some expectation of make believe to listen as I want to get carried away in the song or story.....so you (the writer) have some freedom to create the world or environment with your song/story....But....here is a thought or theory coming in.....the rest of the story/song should be supporting or developing the initial images.....when you introduce a new symbol, you tear down the old one....but so much building up and tearing down makes the images less believable.......
For example
#1 Snowmen -stuck -motionless ----here you could expand how or why
#2 changed to ice floe- moving/motion ----I have to destroy the concept of the snow people to buy in to the idea that the singer and singee aren't stuck on land but are ice floes in the ocean
#3 now eskimos
These are just observations, but for me, I would rather see one image or idea developed and becoming more "believable" than multiple images competing to be the symbol for the "frozen hearts"
Other suggestion: consider the singee being proactive in trying to get things going again instead of passive expecting the singee to excite the singer
Squeeze your little hand inside my glove
Reignite...
That long lost love
change to
I squeeze your (little) hand baregloved
(to) Reignite...
That long lost love instead of "long lost", try for temperature descriptions....cooled/firery ...hot/cold.....now friged love
Take or leave what seems fit. :wink:
James
Thanks for the constructive comments, they seem highly useful. I will try to tweak this up for the end of the week.
