In case the title sounds familiair, it's from an old assignment and was coolnama's idea. So partial credits go to Coolnama.
This is last weeks assignment, so I've got a little catching up to do :roll: , that's because I'm now trying to follow in James' footsteps by adding drums&bass to my songs.
The song is supposed to be a poetic evocation of the beginning of spring, but I'm not sure if the chorus works. I meant it to mean that walking into Butterfly Road is like walking into spring, but it seems kind of silly now.
Anyway click here to listen
Butterfly Road
the air is trembling lightly
the skylark sings, swallows they fly
the sun is shining brightly
the girls in skirts are walking on by and bye
they float across the pavement
they walk so slow, they want to be seen
it's volunt'ry enslavement
'cause all the world is green
on Butterfly Road!
I walk between the raindrops
a rainbow appears on every pearl
I go to where the pain stops
the place where I first kissed a girl:
Butterfly Road!
the colour is returning
to a world that looked so gray
the days are getting longer
so let's go out & play!!!
the terraces are set up
the circus is putting up its tent
the summer coats are dug up
and I'm meeting an old friend:
on Butterfly Road!
Hi Chris,
Kudos to the multi-tracking! :mrgreen: Gave it a nice feel.
Nice imagery for the scenery.
Suggestion:
#1
Consider building up a bit of a story line. As it is, the song doesn't really take the listener anywhere but is more snapshots of what the singer is seeing while waiting for a friend.......For example, why is the singer waiting....what will they do....flashbacks to previous meetings to build up to this meeting
#2
The last line of Vs1 and the whole of Verse 2 talking about the "girls" comes off a bit negative...the rest of the song is focusing positive aspects of enjoying life while the mentioned section implies superficiality, teasing....
Maybe develop the idea that Butterfly Road is a place to forget your troubles and enjoy life in rain or shine enjoying spending time with others as implied in the song already.
#3
"a rainbow appears on every pearl"
Consider rewording as a more general reference...Pearls doesn't make a lot of sense as they are less commonly seen than more....unless you are calling the raindrops pearls, but I've never heard that comparison/expression :roll:
In all, it looks like a lot of good things going on in this one....and I still have the music going in my head.....memorable....which is a good thing :wink:
Thanks for sharing.
James
Hey James,
Thanks for the listen. The chorus and the melody were written a few weeks back and this is the third set of lyrics I've written for it. I was trying to write some simple lyrics, but that has proven to be very difficult for me :wink: So you're comments are more than welcome.
#1
Consider building up a bit of a story line. As it is, the song doesn't really take the listener anywhere but is more snapshots of what the singer is seeing while waiting for a friend...
I'm really surprised you think the song is about someone who's waiting, that wasn't intended, but I can see how you got the idea, with the last line being "I'm meeting an old a friend". I'll have to change the last line to something more suitable.
It was actually meant to be a series of images rather than a story.
#2
The last line of Vs1 and the whole of Verse 2 talking about the "girls" comes off a bit negative...the rest of the song is focusing positive aspects of enjoying life while the mentioned section implies superficiality, teasing....
I would agree it's sexist, but negative? It was meant to be symbolic of burgeoning sexual feelings, even though that's usually more associated with summer than spring, but I agree devoting 4/5 lines to it is a bit monotonous.
Maybe develop the idea that Butterfly Road is a place to forget your troubles and enjoy life in rain or shine enjoying spending time with others as implied in the song already.
Hm, why didn't I think of that? Thanks mate, that's a great suggestion. It's straying away from the 'rebirth' theme, but if that makes the song better I guess it shouldn't matter.
#3
"a rainbow appears on every pearl"
Consider rewording as a more general reference...Pearls doesn't make a lot of sense as they are less commonly seen than more....unless you are calling the raindrops pearls, but I've never heard that comparison/expression :roll:
Obviously I used 'pearl' because it rhymes with 'girl' (which not a lot of words do), but indeed it compares raindrops to pearls. A lot of 19th century poets use that metaphor, and it's even used in "Hard Rain" by Bob Dylan ("a highway full of pearls with nobody on it") but it is archaic and I never liked that line, so out it goes!
EDIT: As it turns out, it was "a highway full of diamonds with nobody on it", which makes my line even worse. It's definitely going now.
- Chris
