Hi. This is still the roughest draft :wink:
four thirds surprised
i was four thirds surprised when you asked
what i was doing that night
we didn't like the raisins,
that cake, it needed defence
but talking was three fourths of comfort
with little silence
and it wasn't half awkward
on your sofa, watching Spaced
and feeling your heart race
against my shoulder
your arms firm around me
i haven't felt this secure in years
i slept poorly and i blame your black tea
but it was only in the morning
that i started thinking
i was three thirds confused
the speed and the resemblances
all the things that i've been determined to outrun
and i guess i wasn't quite in your room then
but since then I've been half falling for you
checking my mail two thirds of the day
and now for almost a week you haven't replied
though i asked “do you eat?†and you know what that implies
so all weekend i've been
one third insecurity, one third writing you off and one third still in a Bobby Long song
[here, if ever i get around to settign this to music, I'd like to sing a bit from the chorus of a Bobby Long song :wink: ]
on my stomach, head on the folders
i am still amazed at how quickly
i lost count of my fractions
they just tumbled across
the lines that i drew
three years ago now
and those pens that i lay
like barricades
twice now whenever my friend
glimpsed your drunken ghost
in all this town's beds
your arms firm around me
i haven't felt this secure in years
how come four fifths of my friends are waiting
how come i am waiting
though i swore to myself not to
go down that road again
and what's the statistics like on this
you're wanted if you don't want it
and if you do, they lose interest in you
i was four thirds surprised when you asked
what i was doing that night
Definitely needs some editing, ordering, cutting... any suggestions would be very welcome, since I can't see for all the trees right now :D
Cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
I really like it straycat, with the constant references to fractions you've built a quirky and surprisingly strong motif for the song. I also like how it ties in with the reality of maths/statistics homework.
The relationship is well-described and there's not too much extra stuff to cloud the idea that this is the main focus of the song.
The parts I found the least fitting are:
we didn't like the raisins,
that cake, it needed defence
&
i slept poorly and i blame your black tea
I think it's better to use really specific examples when it's a positive emotion, and keep it more vague when it's negative.
Best lines:
i was four thirds surprised
since then I've been half falling for you
pens that i lay like barricades
your drunken ghost in all this town's beds
you're wanted if you don't want it
and if you do, they lose interest in you
Brilliant! I love that line "I slept poorly, and I blame your black tea"...great lyric.
I don't quite follow the cake line, though. Perhaps there's another way of phrasing it, or I'm just being dim. Can't wait to hear it, though. :)
Take care,
Casey
It's really amazing how well this works with all the fractions strewn throughout the song.
And there's another one of your great images in this song:
i lost count of my fractions
they just tumbled across
the lines that i drew
It's kinda hard to suggest improvements, but here are some random thoughts:
* the second time you use the lines "your arms firm around me / i haven't felt this secure in years" seem really out of place.
* Everything up until those two lines flows really well, I wouldn't change anything from that (except the lines about the raisins and the cake, which I don't understand)
* the last two lines, which repeat the first two lines, should obviously be kept as last lines.
Straycat,
Looks complex....not being a numbers person myself :roll: but the sentiment comes across :D
Suggestion:
Consider making this line past tense as most of the actions in the song happened in the past from the singer's point of view:
i haven't felt this secure in years
to
i hadn't felt that secure in years
Bobby Long.....WOW....I never heard of him.....thanks for the reference...Great voice!...he sounds like a young Cat Stevens
Thanks for sharing :D
James
hi folks, late reply, i know :oops:
yes, it seems like the cake and raisin lines really need to go.. make sense to me (literally: awful cake there coz of the raisins.. metaphorically: we'd love to pick out only the best parts of things and skip the difficult ones), of course, and were supposed to (if not make sense) at least somewhat hint at the setting (asking out - café - home).. but obviously don't work :lol: thanks for pointing that out!
the black tea line, however (and i think Shady will agree), has to stay :D
* the second time you use the lines "your arms firm around me / i haven't felt this secure in years" seem really out of place.
agreed and will be deleted. :D
i hadn't felt that secure in years
agreed :D
Bobby Long.....WOW
oh, yes, agreed! saw him play here a few weeks ago and am really glad i did go to the concert after all! love "Passing Tale" and so many other songs of his! :D
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
