Y8W12 Phoenix

hi James!
rebirth, hm? :wink: i like the overall sentiment and the phoenix metaphor. i just think some of the verses could perhaps use a bit more detail.. something that makes them stick, for right now they just rush past me ... and the music is also flowing without breaks, which gives it a good car driving or train journey feel, but blurs the verses more.. do you know what i mean? ah.. i can't articulate myself today. and, of course, i have no suggestions for improvement so feel free to completely ignore my 2 cents :lol:
hm... can think of nothing more to say.. except for: the following lines are magnificent! :D
Smoke the days like cigarettes
On my way to Phoenix
I will be a phoenix one more time

cheers,
straycat.

Hi Straycat,
i just think some of the verses could perhaps use a bit more detail.. something that makes them stick, for right now they just rush past me ...but blurs the verses more.. do you know what i mean?
Thanks for the feedback :D I keep trying to find that balance :? It probably lacks details b/c I was trying to capture the cycle of the relationship...fighting/breaking up then coming back....fighting/breaking up then coming back.....fighting/breaking up then coming back.....like most relationships heat up/cool off :roll:

I'm not sure what to do to get a better angle on it for now, but I'll let my subconscious work on it and see what pops up down the line.

Thanks again for the listen and feedback :D

James

This is something I like a lot. I'm sure I've heard R.E.M. play this once :wink:

I agree with straycat that "Smoke the days like cigarettes" is a very great line, but "I will be a phoenix one more time" I would scrap. To me, it's feels like you're trying to clarify something which was already suggested in such a strong way.
Something like "On my way to Phoenix / on my way to you, one more time" seem like a good suggestion for an alternative.

I also agree with straycat the verses feel kind of unfinished. The music really has a strong "on the road" feeling, it's moving without stopping. Why not make the verses about the trip to Phoenix, instead of the "I"being in Phoenix. You could make him reflect on why he's going to see her.

Although it must be said that the first time I wasn't even listening to the words. Because it ROCKS!!!

Hi Chris,
but "I will be a phoenix one more time" I would scrap. To me, it's feels like you're trying to clarify something which was already suggested in such a strong way.
Yeah. Good point.
Why not make the verses about the trip to Phoenix, instead of the "I"being in Phoenix. You could make him reflect on why he's going to see her.
Yes... that's a thought...it would take a lot of reworking....the idea was they are a couple and the trips are "rage trips" away from home but always going back to her "home"...but it could be the angle or details needed to make the verses more dimentional.

Thanks for the feedback :mrgreen: With this last bunch of songs, I seem to be struggling more with clarity of communicating the ideas or "jist" of the song....but then again it's probably a typical ongoing problem.

Thanks for your comments that help feed the journey. :wink:

James

i just think some of the verses could perhaps use a bit more detail.. something that makes them stick, for right now they just rush past me ...but blurs the verses more.. do you know what i mean?
I also agree with straycat the verses feel kind of unfinished.
*POOF More details in the verses :mrgreen: ***

Feedback?

Hey James,

Been listening to this one a few times this week, but I must say I liked the first draft better, I'm not sure why you added all the violent imaginery, but I don't feel it's improved the message you wanted to convey.
The lines
"Same old same old hotel rooms
Begging on the phone
Same old same old back with you
No good on my own"
I really liked, and I was surprised to see you took them out.

My original criticism (making it about a journey by car) hasn't changed, and if I may be so bold, the following is a rewrite of your first draft. Most of the new lines are a little bit cliché, but it's just an example.
* I've switched verses 1 & 3 around for chronology (verse 1 mentions yesterday and verse 2 mentions last night; also verse 3 mentions today and tomorrow)
* I've changed most of the verbs to past tense to get a contrast between the verses (past tense) and the choruses (present tense)

Phoenix

On my way to Phoenix 2X

So, what do you think? A little closer to the goal or just a detour? :wink:

Hi Chris,
I'm not sure why you added all the violent imaginery, but I don't feel it's improved the message you wanted to convey.
I appreciate this feedback. This is the 3rd song I've tried to include more details, but negative details and it's never worked out right. :roll: I am fascinated when I hear it done, but I see it takes some delicacy in the details.
So, what do you think? A little closer to the goal or just a detour? :wink:
I'd say you got closer to the goal :mrgreen:
Thanks for rearranging the lyrics for me. It is a lot closer to the original idea. It's so easy to get stuck in our own way of thinking how the story goes....I will play around with this a bit and see what comes out...I still don't feel I have enough control over the lyrics to convey what I want to say, so I sort of let the song go where it may on it's own for the darker version.....still experimenting. :!: :note1: :?: :note2: :idea: :note1: :arrow: :note1: :|

Anyway, like I said, I really appreciate the feedback and your time to go through the lyrics with your suggestions as is only serves to make for better songs.

James