Here my song: http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8404132
I tried to make it very symbolic (like Bob Dylan 1965/1966) and also I've noticed I'm difficult to understand, so in the recording I took care in pronouncing everything clearly.
The Train of Lover's Lost
Got aboard the night train I'm going to see my girl
I snuck down in a soft seat and then the wheels began to twirl.
A prince was sitting 'cross the aisle with sorrow in his eyes.
He had a slipper made of glass which didn't look his size.
Just when I was about to talk Samson, who sat next to me,
he asked who I was gonna see while he twiddled with a lock.
"I'm going to see my one true love
my angel,
my dove,
whom I'm thinking of
from dawn 'till dusk each day..."
Then Alfie, who had just come in, was looking kind of cross
He said to Sampson: "Doesn't he know This is the train of lover's lost?"
"What do you mean?" I said nonplussed. He said "Well, simple lad,
you've been washed up, bamboozled, had. You're here, so you're one of us."
No... I said...
"I'm going to see my one true love
my angel,
my dove,
whom I'm thinking of
from dawn 'till dusk each day..."
Then suddenly I woke up, noticed that we had arrived
I got out, wondered 'bout this dream so real it seemed alive.
I checked my phone to ascertain that someone's texted me.
My girl, she wanted to talk to me I turned to face the train.
In the doorway Alfie stood holding out his hand.
No, I said and turned around, walked away a man.
Hey Christiaan,
You have some interesting things going on here. I think you've done a good job being Dylanesque. And no problem at all understanding you. Musically when you change to the chorus, it seems a bit too abrupt for me. I'll listen to it some more, it may well just be a first impression.
Too, on your chorus;
love . . . . dove . . . . of . . . . .
I think you may well be able to express what you want without the simple rhymes. The story line works. The verses express what you want well. And then, well I'm just not sure about the chorus. I think said another way it might help.
Looking forward to seeing more posts from you!
Neil
Christiaan,
At first I would have agreed with Neil but not on second listen.
The transition to the chorus could be a little smoother but it
does work for me. The love...dove...of works also giving an
almost aged feel to the chorus.
One minor thing. Samson and The Prince are fairly well ingrained
in popular culture. Alfie is a bit of a stretch and might throw some
listeners off.
Just my thoughts
:note1: :note1: :note1:
John
I like what you did with this one :D The verse chorus transition is unique and proper arrangement would help smooth it out, but I like the "on the train" feel groove of the verses then the dreamy idealistic head in the cloud lover chorus....fun story telling as well. Nice angle. Good job. :D
i like how the verse is rushing on, threatening to take you away and let you miss your stop and how the dreamy chorus opposes the pull... and how it slows down at the end :D
really puts the song together for me.
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
