Hullo... this took off with me barely keeping up :lol: So here goes the rambling, though much edited already (for a more minimal/straight-forward version leave out the parts in brackets and re-name the piece "a slow clock"):
our slow clocks
amidst the blue vapour of sailing planes on a tv screen,
the clock loses
me
to a january morning's sleepy sunbeams
on a sofa in an unfamiliar place out northwest
a hand deep in the black sea of hair washing against a familiar face
oh oh
no oh
(leap second; leap, second,
like you did last week after hours of begging,
hit-and-run waitress: his tea next to mine on the counter
a weary performance on a trembling tightrope, in shock
but fences kept intact like the door he'd slammed and i'd locked
and if he broke something once he can't break it again
that power forfeited, the wreck can't be sunk
and the second did leap eventually
oh oh
no oh
the hum of the fridge at my grandmother's
used to keep me awake, horrid kitchen floor shadow theatre
i haven't been there for years: guilty, i plead guilty
oh oh
no oh
leap second, leap second,
Lena, your sister has a point, concede that these
seven binocular months have shrunk you and consider that
if you stopped watching the hands of the clock
like a sadly squinting ornithologist with his heart set
on that one species which always eludes him
and gave yourself a break, a leap second for balance,
it might clear your head
oh oh
no oh)
leap second, leap second
i am
restored to the living room present
on a sofa under a poster of a bench up north north north,
next to an easy chair with my father clumsily asleep, saturday as usual,
(the clock wound up, on the dot, leap second and all.)
Ah, the long version is way too confusing.. needs better structure/links..
was supposed to be like this:
v1 tv situation - drift off into memory
v2 memory
ch1 trying to struggle back into the present, struggling for balance (leap second) and also describing an example where this worked before
v3 another memory
ch2 another example where a leap second would/could work
v4 finally achieving the balance again, back into the present, tv situation.
The more I look at it, the more I wonder how Lena fits into all of this.. she does, mind, but the link is too weak to hold for anyone else, I guess... ahhh, I need to go to bed now. This probably works better in the reduced version (leaving the stuff in brackets out)... I'll just leave the post as it is now,so you can follow my troubles, if you like :wink:
Maybe you even have some idea as to how to remedy the chaos and keep Lena :D
Goodnight!
straycat.
P.S.: Btw, rhymezone defines leap second as "noun: a second (as measured by an atomic clock) added to or subtracted from Greenwich Mean Time in order to compensate for slowing in the Earth's rotation" :wink:
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Haha, wow. That's intense.
I'm not entirely sure how that would be sung, but you'd have to have fairly big lungs ;)
(I included the brackets when I read through)
I think maybe try divide it up a bit in terms of sentences, I reckon you could cut out a lot and still get the heart of your message across.
For instance:
Lena, your sister has a point, concede that these
seven binocular months have shrunk you and consider that
if you stopped watching the hands of the clock
like a sadly squinting ornithologist with his heart set
on that one species which always eludes him
and gave yourself a break, a leap second for balance,
it might clear your head
That paragraph is massive, and while comical in length and actually kinda awesome, it could easily be shortened.
Lena, your sister has a point, concede that these
binocular months have shrunk you.
Consider that if you stopped,
Watching the hands of the clock
like a sadly squinting man with his heart set on that which eludes him.
And gave yourself a break, a leap second for balance,
it might clear your head
Haha okay I tried and failed, but even that makes slightly more sense, I reckon there are too many ideas though
Lena, your sister has a point,
Stop looking at that clock
Don't even fix it's tock
Give yourself a break
And let your mind escape
Maybe? Probly ruins the rhythm, haha oh well I tried.
Hi Straycat,
Thanks for the outline on the bottom. :D I always love your concrete details...They really bring the listener in
"the hum of the fridge at my grandmother's used to keep me awake,"...."like a sadly squinting ornithologist with his heart set
on that one species which always eludes him"
Suggestions:
While many of your concrete images bring the listener in, so many emotions in the same song make it hard to follow. Consider sticking with one emotional moment or theme throughout the song for clarity's sake.
Having said that I still enjoyed the read, for the reads sake :wink:
James
I'm not entirely sure how that would be sung, but you'd have to have fairly big lungs
:lol: guess so .. trying to sing this made me look like this :mrgreen: :lol:
Thank you for trying to break down one of the parts, Jay! Gave me an idea how to start :wink:
While many of your concrete images bring the listener in, so many emotions in the same song make it hard to follow. Consider sticking with one emotional moment or theme throughout the song for clarity's sake.
Yes! That was what I was feeling was wrong with the song, but I just couldn't articulate myself :lol: So thank you, James, for solving that articulation problem of mine! The problem within the song itself, however, shall be solved some other time, my mind is too busy with other forests to see the trees in this one. :wink:
Thank you both very much for your helpful comments! Will be useful later, when I find time to sit down and re-write.
Cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
