Okay, this is fairly disconnected and needs more work, but it's way too late now to stay up so take it as a preview.
I was kinda inspired by the song Georgia, if you get my reference?
Hope you like :)
Find me a dirty river
So I can wash away my pride
And swim through the currents
Of an ever twisting life
Find me a distant shoreline
One devoid of life
So I can sing out to the stars
On every summer night
When will I ever find her
And even if I do
Will she be what I imagine
Will she love me too?
Sydney,
She calls to me at night
She pulls me ever closer
Cause she longs to hold me tight
Sydney,
She knows about what's right
I love to see her shimmer
I love when she is bright
And now I know her powers of seduction
And now I know the power of her call
Cause every time I make an introduction
Each man she meets seems to fall
Hi Jay,
Good start. I'm liking this one. :D I followed suit as well with the personification route.
Suggestion:
The last line seems a climax, but I don't understand what it means "Each man she meets seems to fall" It would be great if you could clarify this....Maybe you could do some foreshadowing earlier in the song so the meaning doesn't have to be spelled out in only one line.
James
P.S. You last two lyrics seem to have good improvements....more focused and succinct. Are you noticing any changes or trying some different approaches?
Hey,
Thanks James :)
This song looks so much better than it did at 2am, how strange.
Hmm, the last line might have been a bit much too soon then haha, I think it needs another verse to sort that out perhaps.
Basically was going for the idea that each man that is introduced to (the city), seems to fall for (the city). Clarified? Maybe I can set up a 'rivals for her affection' verse?
Re: P.s. Always great to hear that. This time I wrote more verses than usual and scrapped some of the worse/irrelevant ones. I don't usually like being tied down to a theme, I mean even in this the first verse diverges into pride/confusion/searching, but I tried this time to link it back each time, so it was just a short day trip away from my main point. :P
Hi Jay,
Good start here. I am having a little trouble though relating the first 3 verses to the last 3. Are you saying that before Sydney was built there was just a river mouth and a shoreline ? Is so then I think I would change V3 to connect them altogether along the lines of “And now that I have found her …â€. Other than that disconnect its looking pretty good to my mind.
Cheers
Paul
Hey,
Thanks Pbee, good suggestion.
I was actually wondering how to connect it together a bit more, so that could work.
And now I know her powers of seduction
And now I know the power of her call
Cause every time I make an introduction
Each man she meets seems to fall
Love that verse! Especially the last two lines (no trouble understanding them, I think.. wouldn't change them at all).
In my first swift reading, I mistook "her powers of seduction" for "her poems of seduction" ... :wink: but it's not bad, is it?
"Poems" like: I know them by heart now, I have seen many of these stories from beginning to end (fits the last two lines, as well)..
Oh and the beginning, too!
Find me a dirty river
So I can wash away my pride
:D Great that it's a dirty river, not a clean one.
I don't think this is too disconnected :wink: (I imagine the last 4 stanzas to be sung out to the stars :wink: or, at least the 3rd to be aimed at the stars and the remaining 3 to explain the sentiments of the first 3)
Thanks for sharing!
Cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Hey,
Thanks straycat!! Really great comment there.
Your misunderstanding is actually quite a funny one, I'm gonna have to revisit this one and see if I can get a melody to it. Wrote the lyrics before the music so I still don't have chords... hmm...
Haha, I like the idea of the buildup to the last three stanzas, thanks :)
Jay
