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Y9W17 In Love Again
 
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Y9W17 In Love Again

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(@wilhelmina)
Estimable Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

I fell in love again
one night when the power went out.
We were sitting around
and watching TV.

Let's go outside, he said,
and stand on the sidewalk.
We could haul the garbage
out to the street.

I fell in love again
one night when the stars were out.
We were afloat in the dark
and the sky was a sea.

I fell in love again
when the moon and the starshine
Turned on a light in me.

Wilhelmina


   
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(@wilhelmina)
Estimable Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

(Here's a tune in ABC Notation:)
T:In Love Again
C:Wilhelmina
M:3/4
L:1/8
K:G
D G/G/ GFED | G G/A/ BA G2 |
DEGG G/G/ F | E F/G/ D4 |
D G/G/ GFED | G G/A/ B2 G2 |
DEF GAG | F G/E/ D4 ||

D G/G/ GFED | G G/A/ BA G2 |
D E/F/ G G/G/ G G/F/ | E F/G/ A4 |
E G/G/ GF D E/E/ | G G/A/ B2G2 |
G2 F2 G2 | A2 F2 G2 ||


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Wilhelmina,

Good start :D My favorite part is verse one and two. I like the idea of a couple settling into "couch potato" mode and then romance being rekindled by the loss of tv signal.

Suggestion: Consider building a bit more on the relationship. For me, it starts off strong but the shift of images from concrete to more "poetic" words caused me to lose interest.....while hauling garbage in the dark isn't the most romantic thing a couple can do LOL, it can be a starting point.....haul garbage....shoot some hopes in the moonlight....take a carton of ice cream to a make out point etc...

Thanks for sharing.......typing out all those notes must have taken a while :shock: ....couldn't you just sing it a capella into some free computer recording program and post it?

James


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi Wilhelmina

I agree with James both in that this is a great start and also that the special sense of this individual couple loses its focus when you shift from the little details. It wouldn't take all that much. This stanza, for instance:

I fell in love again
one night when the stars were out.
We were afloat in the dark
and the sky was a sea.

Could easily turn into something like this:

I fell in love again
one night when the power went out
We sat out on the quiet curbside
and the sky became our sea.

There's a lot of potential here to turn the little moments into romantic ones.

Looking forward to more.

Peace


   
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(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 418
 

It sounds quite poetic and pleasing... I like the imagery. Add a few more verses and it would seem to me more like a full song rather than a promising beginning.

Keep up the good work.

Martin


   
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(@stikman)
Reputable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 237
 

Nice job. I like your writing.

I like this verse the way it is but it seems like the last two lines could be stronger. I immediately visualized
a ship which was cool but I wonder if it would be stronger if you actually said ship. Maybe not. Maybe it would
be too close to cliche. I think that ship as love shows up in a lot of songs.

I fell in love again
one night when the stars were out.
We were afloat in the dark
and the sky was a sea.

Our ship afloat in the dark
And the sky was a sea.

I don't know about that but I like the strange idea of floating on a sea and yet flying in a sea of stars in that verse.

I fell in love again
when the moon and the starshine
Turned on a light in me.

Oh but looking back I see that James and David gave suggestions for filling out the relationship.

Great final line. Brings it all home.

Ernie

"All battles are first won or lost in the mind." - Joan of Arc

"It took me about 20 years to figure out how to write without inspiration. Thankfully, I got there." - Leon Russell


   
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