Quite a few directions to take on this one. I ended up writing one giant, cheese-filled cliché. I have not recorded anything yet. I do not even have a tune in mind. I've not even decided on genre, although this does kind of steer me towards a bit of a Country Blues kind of thing.
My biggest problem was wanting to change tense of the title during the song. I'm not sure if that's allowed. another temptation was to add a word, like "Dances with the ghosts" a time or two. I guess in order to employ even a subtle bit of time in a linear fashion, something would have to give.
Or not.
Here's my first pass.
[VERSE 1]
The news I saw this weekend,
left me feeling pretty bad.
We buried another music legend,
not too many more to be had.
Riding hard and Drinking fast,
he did it ~better than most.
He lived a life that could-not last,
He lived it ~dan-cing ~with ~ghosts.
[CHORUS]
He rode his bike ~like James Dean,
he drank his booze with a drama-queen.
He partied hard like Keith Moon,
We all just ~knew that he'd die soon___.
(bring it back down)
Now he ~Dan-ces with ghosts, ~too soon___.
[VERSE 2]
"We tried to save him",
his friends and family, did confide.
Re-hab centers and stiff parole,
couldn't fix what killed him inside.
He wasn't the star, he was in his prime.
He just ~knew The love had to be ~gone,
He did things to feel ~loved all the time,
but he was dan-cing with ghosts.
[CHORUS]
He rode his motor-bike ~with James Dean,
he drank his booze with a drama-queen.
He partied hard with Keith Moon,
We all just ~knew he'd die soon___.
(note: bring it back down)
Now he ~Dan-ces with ghosts, ~too soon___.
[OUTRO]
Now he ~Dan-ces with ghosts, ~too soon___.
One other note. I do not like the consecutive lines in the choruses ending with the word "soon".
Roy
"I wonder if a composer ever intentionally composed a piece that was physically impossible to play and stuck it away to be found years later after his death, knowing it would forever drive perfectionist musicians crazy." - George Carlin
Hi Roy,
Good start. :D You've got a nice rhythm of words going.
Suggestion: Consider playing with different points of view. Right now is sounds like a fan reading about a celebrity death, so it comes across as distant and impersonal. The singer really has no stake in the life or death of the biker.
Remember with songwriting we can use imagination and get into different perspectives.
I read once when choosing POV, choose the one from the character who has the most to lose. So in this case, try the POV of one of the friends or loved ones mentioned.
Thanks for sharing.
James
My biggest problem was wanting to change tense of the title during the song. I'm not sure if that's allowed.
Roy around here anythings allowed :wink: (well I think so anyway :D )
BTW I'm assuming that the tilda (~) means pause.
One other note. I do not like the consecutive lines in the choruses ending with the word "soon".
Funny you should say that cos if this was my song I would I'd have yet another "too soon" in there i.e.
Now he ~Dan-ces with ghosts, ~too soon, ~too soon"
that way we get the a hint of whats inside the narrators head, we can feel his melancholy.
Yeah I think I get it, I like it actually :D. What would really clinch it for me would be a bridge in there exploring this idea:
The singer really has no stake in the life or death of the biker.
Good stuff, keep em comming.
cheers
Paul
With a lot of celebrities passing recently, this song seems appropriate. The song appears to be written from the point of view of a fan of the artist. I'm not sure if that was the intention or not.
I'm hearing a country song when reading it but I've been listening to Willie Nelson today so take it with a pile of salt.
Good job!
"In what, twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two handed arpeggio technique count as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?!" - Dr Gregory House
I'll join in with the "more than okay for consecutive rhymes" crowd, especially in a chorus. It's better than going with rhymes that are used simply to be filler because they usually sound a bit convoluted. Think of "Knocking on Heaven's Door" where the chorus is the same exact line repeated four times, not to mention at the end of every verse!
Nice work, Roy. Hope we get to hear it with music at some point.
Peace
hi everyone, thanks for all of the feedback. Some songs take me no time to write to get to this stage, but can take 6 months or more to get to the next stage. The sad part is that I've only been trying to write songs seriously for about a year or so.
The feedback I got on these lyrics so far is incredible. I will be chewing on this one for some time before it starts getting tracked.
Some random answers....
Yes, it is a Modern Country song that I had in mind.
The "~" character means a change in emphasis. It's a bit of shorthand for myself to remember that I thought of a bit of dynamics at that spot.
POV is that of a fan. An interesting twist has been suggested and I will wrap my widdle cranium around that one for a while.
I mentioned a direction choice. I was wasting a couple of hours before an appointment one morning last week and came up with a totally different song for this one. Should I start a new thread, or post it here? I think it would be confusing if there were two songs being talked about at the same time.
Roy
"I wonder if a composer ever intentionally composed a piece that was physically impossible to play and stuck it away to be found years later after his death, knowing it would forever drive perfectionist musicians crazy." - George Carlin
