The Child Within SSG 29
Gone are the days when she looked through my eyes
Everyday with optimism, at every turn a surprise
When worry and war, poverty and pain
Were never a thought in her childlike games
What I would give, just for a tiny sign
Of her innocent mind, when all seemed fine
When hurt was falling and grazing a knee
Not heart and mind ripped out emotionally
A kaleidoscope world with hopscotch squares
Innocent minds, no worries , no cares
A kaleidoscope world with hopscotch squares
Do you have a child that once lived there
Now with grown children and busy career
I still know this child of yesteryear
I still hear her giggle, sometimes in my mind
I remember the magic she'd look for and find
Even today in this war ravaged place
She'll look though my eyes and see beauty and grace
But it's harder now for this child with in
To make the optimist, survive and win
A kaleidoscope world with hopscotch squares
Innocent minds, no worries , no cares
A kaleidoscope world with hopscotch squares
Do you have a child that once lived there
Go well
Ja'mir :wink:
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Greetings Ja'mir,
This is quite beautiful. Here's my take on it, for what it's worth...
The second and third verses are easily the strongest. I love the rhyme and meter of these lines:
What I would give, just for a tiny sign
Of her innocent mind, when all seemed fine
And I love the contrast here:
When hurt was falling and grazing a knee
Not heart and mind ripped out emotionally
And the third verse is just very, very poignant.
The chorus is wonderful. The only thing I might offer as a suggestion, and it's very trivial, is in the beginning of the second and fourth lines.
Since you used the phrase "innocent mind" in the second verse (right before the chorus) would "hearts" or "souls" be a suitable replacement for "minds" in the chorus?
And in the last line of the chorus, I wonder if "I know" or "I remember" might work better than "Do you have"
As I said, it's very trivial, and the song is just quite moving as it is. Always I look forward to your submissions.
-- Scratch
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Hi'a Scratch,
Yip, you're right, innocent hearts works well, don't like souls much, makes me think of dead people !!!!
as for the last line of the chorus..... believe it or not I had
A kaleidoscope world with hopscotch squares
I remember the child that once lived there
then changed it to
A kaleidoscope world with hopscotch squares
I know the child that once lived there
and ended up with
A kaleidoscope world with hopscotch squares
Do you have a child that once lived there
I like all three, maybe I should do three chorus's and use a different one on each..... whatcha think
Thanks as always for the positive imput
Go well
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
I like the idea of using a different last line for each chorus. Three choruses might be a bit much, or it might work just fine. It's a really good chorus, so I wouldn't mind hearing it 3 times. But then again, longer songs don't bother me much. That's your domain :wink: But I'd definitely alternate the lines regardless of how many choruses you use.
-- Scratch
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
