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Year 3 Week 4 ( SAILING AWAY )

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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 777
Topic starter  

I went to my son's school play during the week , i:e assingment for this week , the play was 'Paris' the war between the greeks and the trojans.

SAILING AWAY

AS THE WIND BLOWS
MY SAILS GROWS
THE POUNDING OF THE OCEAN UPON MY SHIP
THERE IS NO CASINO NOR EVEN A CHIP

ELOPING WITH MY TRUE LOVE AT SEA
ELOPING WITH MY TRUE LOVE AT SEA
I LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES ME
JUST BEING HAPPY WE WILL BE

THINKING OF WHAT I HAVE DONE
WONDERING HOW LONG WE CAN RUN
FROM HER HUSBAND
WITH ME

ELOPING WITH MY TRUE LOVE AT SEA
ELOPING WITH MY TRUE LOVE AT SEA
I LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES ME
JUST BEING HAPPY WE WILL BE

SAILING AWAY IN HER ARMS
BEING ENTICED BY HER CHARMS
I DON'T CARE WHO'S IS SHE
I'LL FIGHT AND I'LL FIGHT HE

ELOPING WITH MY TRUE LOVE AT SEA
ELOPING WITH MY TRUE LOVE AT SEA
I LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES ME
JUST BEING HAPPY WE WILL BE

WILL ANYONE TRUELY UNDERSTAND
LOOKING FOR (PAUSE)THE WHITE SAND
OF MY HOME AND MY LAND

JUST WAITING FOR MY LAND

just looking my for land

:D 8) :D 8)

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@sarah)
Eminent Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 26
 

I like! It hangs together well and makes a solid and unified statement. My favorite line is "There is no casino nor even a chip". Heh heh.

I suggest perhaps holding off on the chorus until after the second verse. The two verses fit together well and the chorus would have more punch there than after the first verse.

Also consider rewriting the "who's is she" and the "I'll fight he" part. The flow hung up for me on that part because I was expecting "her" and "him" instead of "she" and "he", though I guess it does add to the ancient Greek-ish feeling.

Good work!


   
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(@gjbrake)
Reputable Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 235
 

You may well wish to take Sarah's advice over mine, but I liked the chorus before verse 2 - it made the 'FROM HER HUSBAND' bit a bit naughtier after 'ELOPING WITH MY TRUE LOVE AT SEA' - which is always good!

Up to you - otherwise, good stuff!

G

Listen Louder Than You Play


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 777
Topic starter  

Thnaks people I have changed it on my writting pad but affraid I like it the way it is but if anyone wants to change it and see what version they like .

I thank you for your input though

8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 777
Topic starter  

Sarah ,

after playing this for about a week and changing the chorus from between verses one and two to between two and three

it does sound alot better when you first mentioned it i did it and wasn't to impressed until i really got in to it and a few ales helped that ( lol )
but thank you you saw something there that i was too quick to disreaguard
thanks again

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@smokindog)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 5345
 

Nice, takes me there, good image in my mind. I'm a bit worried about what will happen when her old man catches up with you- :lol: :lol: -the dog

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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Good one!

Sorry I didn't reply to your pm....first thing I noticed was what someone else mentioned, the lines

I DON'T CARE WHO'S IS SHE
I'LL FIGHT AND I'LL FIGHT HE

didn't seem to flow well...but the more I looked at it, the more archaic and poetic it looks....which fits the inspiration...

As for the chorus, I don't think it matters which way you use it...

Funny, isn't it, how you mind tends to wander during a school play!

:) :) :)

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 777
Topic starter  

Thanks Dog & Vic ,

Yeah I reckon her old man wouldn't be too happy but hey who cares (lol)
and yes school plays well one's mind does wonder in and out of what your child is potraying on their big stage .

thanks again everyone

p,s
I think I'm getting the hang of this writing thing now :roll:

:D :D :D :D :D :D

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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