Year 5 Week 3 - The Future

Hey DR

This is very good my only problem is this line

"And all I want is to be done"

To me just don't flow as smoothly as the rest , I think it is the word DONE

It breaks the rhyme a bit but no doubt it sounds better with music and being sung to the tube you have in your head ..

Not bad at all mate

Trev........

The problem wth using a word like "acronyms" in a song is that people start looking for them.....and I couldn't find any.....

"Sounds like here I have to stay".....that line grates a little, it seems forced - there are no circumstances whatsoever in which you would utter that phrase in real life, so why use it in a song? "Looks like I'm going to have to stay" or even "Looks like I've got to stay" would fit much better.......or, while your writing about being stuck in a soul-destroying environment (can you tell I HATED school?) maybe the last couple of lines of that verse could read something like.....

"There's no chemistry here today,
Equations suck my soul away...."...................................

"Intellect lost to knowledge
A yearning unfulfilled
Am I a better man for it?
Or better lands to be tilled?".......In this section I love the first two lines, but maybe this would work.....

"Will I become a better man,
Or will my ambition be stilled...?"....still posing a question, but in a slightly more direct way....

These are only suggestions, I like your basic theme and there are some good lines in there - you need to strive for overall consistency, eliminate the weak lines.....juggle with them, play with words.....

BTW, if you really are still at school, then this - and last weeks song, "En Route" (thanks for the credit BTW!) show a lot of promise.....

Keep it up!

:D :D :D

Vic

Thanks fellas. A little background for this song: my daily rountine involves going to one of the top rated undergrad universities in Canada. In a program that is supposed to take 4 years, I am in my third and it appears that I will be here for a while longer due to choices made my the administration and the student's association. So this is a little frustration coming out, and hopefully that gives you a little insight into this song.

Now on with the critque:

B-Rock: I have no problem singing it, as I feel it matches the meter of the song, and it gets my point accross. If you have some suggestions as to what it could be, please share them. As for now, it sticks.

Vic:

The acronym comment refers to the student's association and the university, which I feel are negatively affecting my education and time table with their choices. However, naming them I would feel to be inappropriate to the song; no one is going to understand what UWSA of UW mean. I had hoped the word "acronym" would've conveyed the facelessness of these organizations. It doesn't spell it out for the audience, and can give slightly differenct interpretations: the acronym could be any organization, govermental educational or commercial. I would like to keep unless I hear a better suggestion.

I do like your suggestion of " "Looks like I've got to stay" and will mull over it a bit. However, soul sucking is not really how I feel the situation is, so I probably would not add anything about that.

I wouldn't want to be too direct, but I will think about suggestion of changing the chorus. If nothing else, you've got me thinking about the last two lines; I don't like the repetition of "better" for some reason. We shall see.

Thanks for the comments, and hopefully my ability to sing and play will catch up to my ability to write (such as it is) sometime soon.

Now off to some soul sucking homework!

So - homework takes second place to guitar/songwriting?......

Good man! Priorities in order!!!

:D :D :D :D :D

Vic

From what was said by Trev and Vic, I can see that the re-written parts are an improvement.

I think Vic said all that was needed really!

Good writing, keep it up

Pete

...but no doubt it sounds better with music and being sung to the tube you have in your head ..

DrunkRock,

Do you really have a tube in your head?! :lol:

I would agree with Vic's observations. Your song gets the feeling across well enough, but you want to keep the language as natural as possible. "looks like I've got to stay" works much better.

Hi Drunk Rock

Sounds like a frustrating situation you're in there. Hoep it works itself out.

I agree with all the comments you've received here and the rewrite is definitely improving the song. Just need to keep looking at it and try different things out until you're satisfied.

Good start.

Bob :wink: