I guess it's obvious that I like metaphors...
seems kind of staccato for my taste... especially "But before I could reply". So much school work though.
----------------
Wanderin' down the road one day
I met a preacher clad in black
He asked me about the things that I knew
But before I could reply
He told me all the things I mustn't do
Wanderin' down the road one day
I met a businessman who wore a well-pressed suit
He asked if I knew what I wanted
But before I could reply
He told me all the things I needed
Wanderin' down the road one day
I met the king of town
He said “how ya doin' son?â€
But before I could reply
He told me the things I had to get done
Wanderin' down the road one day
I met my true love along the way
She asked me what I wanted and why
And then waited for me to reply
Hi
What you have is pretty nice but after reading it a few times to me it needs something to break up the Wandering , a chorus or bridge ..
Just to break it up a little
Trev...
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
Hi
What you have is pretty nice but after reading it a few times to me it needs something to break up the Wandering , a chorus or bridge ..
Just to break it up a little
Trev...
I was using the repetition to drive home the idea of "daily grind." Not effective?
Yeah it is effective what you have mate don't get me wrong
But I was thinking just something to give the listner/ reader a break then back into the song ..
{ this is just my opinion and as you have read lately I am no great writer myself }
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
MH,
You have some very nice stuff here. Usually we are our own worst
critics but I think you are right on the money.
seems kind of staccato for my taste... especially "But before I could reply".
That line does break the flow quite a bit. As you said "staccato"
I don't have a good idea on how the edit that. Maybe :?:
Before he would wait for my reply
Or something like that.
As far as what Barabus said about a bridge or something.
I agree but we only have the lyrics here and the break could
from an instrumental interlude maybe after the second or
third verse.
John
reading what Trev & John said, I kind of agree - buuuuuuut - this strikes me as Dylanesque, so I got a guitar and a gob-iron (that's Brit slang for a mouth-organ/harmonica) and tried to put music to this......intro (harmonica), verse, couple of bars of harmonica, 2nd verse, couple of bars of harmonica, 3rd verse, harmonica solo, 4th verse, harmonica to finish.....and it took nearly four minutes.....
So now I'd say, no, doesn't need a bridge or chorus, stands on its own two feet....I really hope you're thinking Dylan or Neil Young style for this.......
The last verse struck me as being a different tempo/rhyming scheme to the others - but because it's an ABAB pattern, I'm presuming it's deliberate.....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hi MH
Liked this a lot the set up for the last verse is well done. As Vic and John say the repetiotion can be broken up using music rather than a bridge orchorus. Although saying that it might be an idea to try even if only for the sake of having a go.
Good stuff
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
Thanks for the replies guys. They are really helpful.
When I was writing it I wasn't necessarily thinking about Dylan, but he is my favorite lyricist at the moment. And so you can see the influence.
And yeah, the last bit was supposed to have a different structure. Sort of my way of not creating an entirely pessimistic piece.
