Year 5 Week 3 ( Week-end)

Other than that, very impressive
but you realise the better you get at this the harder the criticsm has to be to keep you down to earth ;) :D :D

I'm sure I won't get off the ground too often mate :lol: :lol:

At work boss man is such a jerk
Nothing but a glorified office clerk
God I know I know I'm late again
I'm wishing it was the week-end

Is what I originally had but felt it was lacking in some defination as to who I was talking about ...Along with

Fighting with the early traffic jams
Kids screaming about their exams

Once again thought it lacked something ......

Thanks Pete

Trev...

Trevor,

Good Job!

I like the original lines as opposed to the lines Bushpig quoted.

They seem to get the message across without messing up the
structure.

I might suggest a small change to the chorus.

Instead of:
Week-end week-end how
I wish it was the week-end
Week-end week-end how
I wish it was the week-end

Maybe something like:
Week-end week-end how
I wish it was the week-end now
Week-end week-end how
I wish it was the week-end now

Nothing major just a thought.

John

Celt posted my only thoughts about the this song; change the chorus.

Other than that, the song had my smiling. It feels kind of campy, but in a good way.

Thanks Celt and Drunk Rock

John : Your suggestion has got me thinking
{ good thing I am sitting down } :lol: :lol:

Week-end week-end how
I wish it was the week-end now
Week-end week-end how
I wish it was the week-end now

The word in bold Johns suggestion I am thinking almost yelled ..

Is that what you meant John ?

Cheers
Trev......

Yeah that's the Idea!

Cheers John :lol: :lol:

I got to come clean about this line though

Nothing but a glorified office clerk

I am a office clerk who does some higher grade working

{ does everyone know what higher grade is ? or is that a Aussie thing ?}

Yep. definitely a lot tighter than even a few weeks ago......

I was going to suggest a slight change to the chorus.....

Week-end, week-end,
How I wish it was the weekend.....

Just a matter of phrasing it differently........

But I think John's idea works better, DEPENDING on how it's sung......you'd really have to accentuate "how" and "now".....

OK, we've got you to tighten up your rhyming svheme.....we've got you to use more imagery....now all we need to work on is grammar and spelling......

Just kidding, mate, there's the odd mis-spelling, but the general sense comes through OK - except "Downey pillow" - looks like a brand name beacause you've capitalised it.....I'm presuming you mean "downy" as in eider down? Soft feathers?

Anyway, minor quibbles aside, this is another good song, I'm seeing it as a fairly up-tempo sort of Springsteenesque rocker.....

:D :D :D

Vic

Ohh your a tough master Mr Lewis :lol: :lol: :lol:

I did spell check with word before posting it ... These must be the American spelling of these words ...{ looking for excuses here peolpe}

Yeah up beat Springsteen mmm yeah ok I'll go with that ...

I was thinking more of Johnny Cougar

John Cougar

John Cougar Melloncamp

Or what ever it is now

And you have probs with me changing my name :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thaks mate

Trev...

MELLENCAMP!

:D :D :D

Vic

I thought it was like a water melon

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Sleeping in my king sized bed
Soft downy pillow for my head
I am off into the land of nod
Where I am treated like a god

Erotica, Fantasies fill my head
Nothing here for me to dread
Super models and super stars
Fast women and faster cars

Oh no what is that sound
I jump up and spin around
Buzzing screaming in my head
Alarm clock I wish you were dead

Week-end Week-end how
I wish it was the week-end now
Week-end week-end how
I wish it was the week-end now

Shower coffee morning rush
A quick wipe with the shaving brush
Fighting with the early traffic jams
Kids screaming about their exams

At work boss man is such a jerk
Nothing but a glorified office clerk
God I know I know I'm late again
I'm wishing it was the week-end

Week-end week-end how
I wish it was the week-end now
Week-end week-end how
I wish it was the week-end now

Wow Trev, I'm blown away by this.

As was said before, you're really starting to come through now with your writing, developing all aspects in the right direction.

Can't say I have any criticism about this at all, I loved it from start to finish, particulalry the little rant at the boss :D

Very nice job

Pete

Erotica, Fantasies fill my head
Nothing here for me to dread
Super models and super stars
Fast women and faster cars

Dang man, whenever I remember my dreams, it's always about being drafted!

Overall, I think this was good. I had some problems with the chorus, it seemed a bit redundant, but the changes seem to work. I can't comment on how you've improved, since I only started back here myself a few weeks ago. But from the sounds of it, you're really coming along.

Thanks for your kind wods Pete really appreciated

And thanks for the feed back ScratchMonkey ..Yeah I love that verse that you high lighted ...{ not saying my dreams are like that verse but it sounded pretty kool as I wrote it :lol: :lol: }

Trev....