Not very impressed with myself on this one... And thanks to pbee's suggestion of personalizing it, I think it's gotten better.
I see soldiers and citizens overseas
Reporters see kittens up in trees
And which is more important?
Will money or common sense decide?
I see thinkin went out the window
and another wife a widow
But kittens make dollars and
their stories replace genocide
I feel trouble a brewin'
'Cause somethin's been missin'
The minds of friend and family
Dissappeared into the air
Before it went 'round the river bend
Don't you remember a time when
Right and thoughtful things
Overcame a costly wedding?
Yeah, I don't either
I feel trouble a brewin'
'Cause somethin's been missin'
The minds of friend and family
Dissappeared into thin air
Hi DrunkRock,
mate I have been racking my brain now for some time trying to figure out why this song doesn't work, it should. Technically you've got it right, you've got rhyme to tie lines together the theme is good, but there is something not quite right.
I think its because the song is too much in the third party, and I don't connect or relate to it emotionally. Here's an example of one that does work by Jack Johnson:
A billion people died on the news tonight
But not so many cried at that terrible sight
And momma said
It's just make believe
You cant believe every thing you see …..
In Jacks song there are terrible things happening on the news, but what he does is he personalizes the reaction, poor old momma can't cope and is in denial. I feel really sorry for momma, and the world. In your song you tell me about how the media packages the presentation, but you don't bite me emotionally, intellectually I'm with you but emotionally I'm not.
The sentiment of this song is great, so don't give up on it. I hope I'm not being too critical cos I do think this song has potential, I just want you to shake my tree a bit.
Cheers
Paul
That's for the suggestion of personalizing it pbee. I think it works better now after the initial edit. I still don't know, some lines don't roll off the tougne like I prefer, but we shall see if any inspiration comes to me before sunday. I definitely did not have the inspiration for this song like my previous two attempts. Let's hope next week goes better.
You're always going to know if a song isn't quite "there"......for me it looked OK, till I read Pbee and Bushpig's comments - I still like it, but I can see why they thought it looked a little unpolished..... I see you've edited it, so I don't know what the original song looked like....
In the first verse,
."I see soldiers and citizens overseas
Reporters see kittens up in trees
And which is more important?
Will money or common sense decide?"
you could possibly substitute "ratings" for "momey".....
The rhyming scheme's a bit hit-and miss - but then again, this is yet another song with potential....just needs tweaking a little, some fine tuning, it's not far off being a good song.....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
