i know it sucks, but please give sugestions.
siittin inside
its a cold winter day
i dont know what to say
to you
but thats nothin new
im all alone
im in my home
just me and my guitar
everythings all right
yeah everythings all right
maybe tomorrow il talk to you
but not today
im to lazy today
but im fine cuz
im all alone
im in my home
just me and my guitar
everythings all right
yeah everythings all right
Hi 1 Foot
First of all it does not suck don't bring your self down ....
You have a start that's what it is called .. Try to keep everything uniform like 5 lines long etc .....
rhyme meters like : aa - bb - cc , work ... thats like the lines ending (a) rhyme then lines ending ( b ) rhyme and same for (c ) hope you get my point .....
There is a old bloke in here named Vic and he would say to you something along the lines , " you have the hook " meaning this is a start keep writting and posting and you will get better and better ...
Don't say your work sucks , just tell everyone this is a draft or a piece in the making .....
cheers
L.K
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
Hey!
I really like the chorus:im all alone
im in my home
just me and my guitar
everythings all right
yeah everythings all right
But I think you need to fill out your verses more. Either by re-writing them, or by adding more.
It just comes across to me that you aren't that bothered about not talking to this person - which makes the 'everything's alright coz I've got my guitar' sentiment in the chorus equally apathetic.
If you made us care more about the lack of communication in the verses, we would care more that your guitar makes it all OK!
Did that make any sense?
But yeah, as LK says, you have a good start here - particularly the chorus!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
Hey 1 foot,
It's quite possible that I'm just dense, or not very "hip", but the assignment this week called for a song inspired by a quote / motto / saying. What was the quote / motto / saying that inspired this? I think that if I knew that, I might be able to offer some suggestions.
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Not sucky at all as it stands, BUUUUUT .......where's the link/connection to this weeks assignment?
I'd suggest you post this in the Songwriter's Forum, but there doesn't seem to be an awful lot of feedback these days on that particular forum....
You've got the makings of a good song here, youve got two good verses and a chorus....just needs a little flesh adding to the bones, maybe a bridge - I tried this out with easy chords, ran out at less than 2 mins....2:18 with an extra chorus....
A bit more imagery, you'll be laughing....!!!!
Oh and Lotto King, what's all this "Old Bloke called Vic" stuff? I may be getting on a bit - 48 and 1/3 - but thats a lot younger than 60-something!!!
Keep at it, 1foot...look forward to more....
:D :D :D
Vic
(Old Bloke indeed!!!! GRRRR!!!!)
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Definitely a good start, 1foot. The above replies have got you covered so I can't say anything more.
**
Vic, be happy that you weren't explained like that in an American tongue. We use the word goat instead of bloke. I'm sure that makes you feel better. :wink:
Bish
"I play live as playing dead is harder than it sounds!"
It don 't take you long to catch me out hey old boy
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
1 foot,
Welcome aboard!
You've gotten some good advice. This is good for a
first time. I hope to see more of your work in the future.
Bob post a new assignment every Sunday they are a great
way to improve your songwriting.
John
