it seems i should post this as a new thread .... im trying to catch on so ill post it again independant of dhodges post
]
hi all im joyce aka Pitney ive looked at this forum many times but never had the guts to post
before. i guess its about time i gave it a shot.
i chose this song from DillyDally because it really spoke to me.
Hope you dont mind man. anyway this is what i came up with.
i look forward to your comments Smile
Orginal song:
(verse 1)
All i feel is that I'm alone
through this sea,
i fall like stone
but unlike rock
i need my breath,
or on the bottom meet my death.
(verse 2)
My ears are popping,
lungs on fire
my booted feet caught in the mire
kicking and thrashing,
hard as I may
all the world's beauty turning to gray
(Chorus)
Will I sink or swim....Lose or win
Can't tread any longer
The undertow; the crashing waves
Life's anchor grows stronger
Questioning, what will it be
Sink or swim?
(verse 3)
One last push my body is freed
i break the surface
life guaranteed
for the moment
this water i'll tread
wondering why this time
i'm not dead
(verse 4 )
And as i ply these waters
gasping for air
buoyed by hope,
dragged down by despair
if my happiness is flagging
or life's light goes dim...
(Chorus)
Will I sink or swim....Lose or win
Can't tread any longer
The undertow; the crashing waves
Life's anchor grows stronger
Questioning, what will it be
Sink or swim?
My Submission:
V1
He feels so alone
Lost in a vast sea
Falling like a stone
Fighting to breathe
As heavy as a rock
That needs no breath
Aware at the bottom
He could meet with death
V2
His ears are popping
His lungs are on fire
His booted feet
Caught in the mire
He kicks and he thrashes
As hard as he may
As he sees the worlds beauty
Fading to gray
(chorus)
Does he sink or will he swim
Will he loose or can he win
Feeling the draw
Of the undertow's call
Crashing waves throw him
As deaths anchor becons
One question is growing
He searches one answer
"Will I sink, or can I swim?"
V3
He fights for the surface
As his body comes free
Gasping for the breath
That brings life's guarentee
Buoyed by the hope
The water he treads
The color in the sky
Proves he's not dead
V4
As he floats on the water
Breathing the oceans cool air
No longer dragged down
By death's anchor of despair
Is this happiness real
Or will life's light go dim
He knows that for now
His answer is SWIM
(ending chorus)
Does he sink or can he swim?
Will he loose or can he win
Feeling himself pulled
By the undertows whim
The waves gently take him
The shore calls to him
And the question is answered
This time he will swim
welll here it is....i hope you like is Dilly..... i look forward to your comments
Humbley Yours,
Joyce
Hi Joyce, and welcome to the forums :)
From your arrangement I get a real sense of a story being told from an onlooker, which is pretty much what the assignments all about, so great work, could really 'see' the events that were happening to this person, through the way you arranged it.
As deaths anchor becons
One question is growing
He searches one answer
"Will I sink, or can I swim?"
this ending is great, you've really turned around the original meaning to fit in with the persona you're portraying.. and I like the end line, where you get this sudden questioning impact line from the character.
A great arrangment of a great song. Well done!
J :)
"Iam a question to the world... not an answer to be heard."
Welcome Pitney,
Very Nice Job.
I thouhgt of using this myself but i couldn't do a better job than you did. By changing the point of view you somehow made the song even more meaningful.
I like the original I like the rewrite . Your version really brought it home to me .
Great work Looking forward to seing some of your original work.
Celt
hey welcome :D
really love this:
The color in the sky
Proves he's not dead
yeah looking forward to read more of you;)
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
i am certianly touched and definatly inspired by your responces to my work on this assignment. it has been very difficult for me to write for sometime now and being able to work from someone elses inspriation has really helped me. for this dilly dally i am very gratefull to you. i so love the essence of your song. is it acceptable to post something i wrote at this time in this thread . lett me know i have a couple songs i would love to get you guys thought on . thanks again ..perhaps this forum can help me get back into this side of my music :-)
joyce
