Yr 9 Week 11 'Makin' Music'

Hi Melody

And a belated welcome to the SSG. Glad to have you taking part and I hope you find this is just the first of many songs you submit here.

And it's a great first effort, by the way. It's an old story but it's very nicely done and solidly told. One thing you can do to make the lyric more dynamic is to make it more active. The second verse, for instance:

Well he jumped on the stage and began to play
The music set him free
His eyes lit up and I knew he was
Right where he was meant to be

Is good, but you could change the second line, which has been used in a lot of songs, by giving it and the end of the first line a little tweak, like this:

Well he jumped on the stage and struck a chord
And set the music free
His eyes lit up and I knew he was
Right where he was meant to be

It's a little thing, but in this case it gives the guitarist more of the controlling role in the scene, as he has throughout the song.

By the bye, using two verses as a set up to the first chorus is a very smart move in this song. Nicely done!

Likewise, you can give the bridge a few tweaks, from:

Listen, listen close
There is magic, in each note
Those were golden, golden words
Sounds were waiting, to be heard

To something like this:

Listen, listen close
To the magic in each note
And each golden, golden words
Holds worlds (or dreams) just waiting to be heard

As always, these are just suggestions and I have to apologize because I'm doing this in a bit of a rush so they're not the greatest suggestions!

Have you any thoughts about what sort of music you hear for this?

Anyway, great to have you participating in the SSG. And I'm looking forward to enjoying more of your songs.

Peace

Thank you for your comments!

You honed right in on one of the problem areas I had - the second verse. I wrote that, especially the second line over and over and over again before I posted. These guitar songs have been written so many times that it is tough to be a little different and I had chords/melodies/words/strumming...and whatever in mind in different placements. Hopefully, what I have come up with now for that verse works, your 'strumming' idea for that verse clicked off something in my brain that made it fall into place a little better I think. I just kept playing and singing until it did. The bridge I am still thinking about, but I do like 'to the magic' rather than 'there is magic' like you suggested.

This song was inspired by a singer/songwriter I met very briefly, but his career and life interested me. The content is a combination of actual events and imagination...but what I wanted to come through here was the essence of what he was about. I had made a start on it long ago, but the weekly topic here prompted me to get back to it and finish it, so thank you! :D

Yes, I do have a tune in mind. I'm quite limited in my playing and choice of chords. I like the bridge I've come up with, chorus is okay, verses are just kind of plain jane. :lol: No idea what genre, whatever comes just comes, but I hope that sometime not too far off I can get some kind of recording of it to share here and get your comments on as well.

Like the revised second verse a lot. Nice rewrite.

And most songs have "plain Jane" chords, you shouldn't worry about that. There are heaven knows how many lists lying about on these forums about songs that only have C, F and G, for instance. It's how you make the melody work that usually plants a song in someone's ears.

Again, good to have you taking part in the fun. And looking forward to hearing this at some point.

Peace

Thanks for stopping and take a look Peter. Appreciate it. :)

When I first started in on this I thought it would be the lyrics that I would have no problem with, it would be the melodies and chord progressions that were such a mystery to me. Surprise! Turned out totally the opposite, and the melodies are just there sometimes when I read a lyric. Whether they are any good though remains to be seen...lol, I am starting this game rather late in life and haven't had too many people actually hear too many songs yet. Your idea about checking out chord progressions in other songs though is something I have sometimes done as well, and helps me to get out of a rut with the ways I am using chords. And, no, they never sound the same by the time you change a few things and then put your own melody to them.

As was mentioned above, there certainly are many songs just using a few common chords. It's just getting those few chords to sound as good as some as these guys do when they play them! :) I'm certainly working on it, this whole music thing is kind of like an addiction of sorts! :lol:

During the week I don't get much play time because of that all too time-consuming thing called work, but maybe next weekend I can get this recorded. Or, even one of my others if there's another section just to get some feedback on the melody and playing, etc. I'm anxious to finally share some of the stuff I've come up with because I know ideas and suggestions will come from that will help me learn more for sure.

Hi Melody (great name for a songwriter - doubtless there will be many puns to come!) and welcome to the SSG. Always nice to see a new writer here!

I don't think this song needs much work at all. I'm not sure what the Nighthawk you're referring to is - a make of guitar? A club where the protagonist has a strong fan base or got his lucky break? - or how important it is in the grand scheme of things. In this section....

"Listen, listen close
There is magic, in each note
Those were golden, golden words
Sounds were waiting, to be heard"

I like David's suggestion, but if you don't want to change it around too much, try something like

"there are golden, golden words,
that need to be heard...."

or something along those lines, anyway - in your own words, of course, and to fit your rhyming scheme/melody. Those are only minor details, though - overall, it's a strong story, well told, and fits the assignment/topic nicely. Once again, welcome to the SSG, and look forward to reading (and hopefully hearing!) more from you.

:D :D :D

Vic

Hi Melody,

Good start. :D Dave had good suggestions already. I liked your line "There is magic, in each note" and the set up is clear as far as the singer having appreciation for a performer's artistic passion.

Suggestion:
One thing I read recently was "intimacy" is in the details. The more concrete details/descriptions, the more the listener can relate or feel connected to the lyrics or experience.

Now that you have your basic idea down, consider going back through and seeing what details could be added; maybe they are assumptions on your part, so I will just got through and ask some questions -not that all these details would be necessary, but the right details could help create the mood you want.

Makin' Music

Verse
He came into town with a friend of mine ?small town? blue collar? sea side? Playing a bar? public outdoor show? High-school dance? Wedding? Folk Festival?..........Friend- coworker? Best Friend Forever? Casual Acquaintance?.....Is the friend a party animal, groupie or someone not really into music......etc....
His guitar in hand ?Guitar case- slick and shiny, professional? Road weary? Beat-up? Stickers from around the world?
We talked awhile then he smiled and left ? talked about what?.....the weather? his life on the road? life in the town?....etc....
To join up with his band ?a trio? hired players? band as close as a family?

Verse
Well he jumped on the stage and began to play...."he jumped" implies energetic, but I don't know any physical descriptions of him fat? thin? old? young? grayed? bald? 20s? 30s? 40s? older?
The music set him free......free from what? boredom? bad situation? bad relationship? concerns of the past? plans of the future?
His eyes lit up and I knew he was ? what color eyes?
Right where he was meant to be

Verse 2 (revision)
Well he jumped on the stage and his eyes lit up
As he strummed a chord or two
Something deep inside of him
Came out and shone right through

Chorus
Oh he loved that Nighthawk ?color? cherry? sunburst? deep blue?
And the music
More than anything
Spent his whole life.......how old is he?
Makin' music
And writin' songs to sing
.....makin' music....makin' music

Verse
He colored the world with the sweetest sound
From that old guitar..........? old beat-up? treated with TLC? vintage?
And every night all the songs he sang
Danced right to your heart

Again, too many details would work against you, but I think there is some room to help the listener connect a bit more in subtle ways.

Thanks for sharing. I look forward to having a listen :D

James

I'm looking forward to hearing this song. Nice job.

Thanks to all of you for taking a look, your nice comments and some good suggestions.

Vic - Yes, Nighthawk is a guitar. That might have a lot of people wondering actually, but it was one of the ones this guy played and it just sounded more interesting to me than the other ones I know he played. Melody is just a screen name by the way....just seemed appropriate. :lol: :lol:

James - I think you're right, a little more description sure can help connect to the listener. I am not the most descriptive writer and could probably work on it. What you say is what I think about a lot when I read lyrics...sometimes we kind of assume what is in our head must also be in the listener's head and it isn't. Takes a lot of reading between the lines sometimes! Getting some feedback via a forum like this is really helpful in making sure it makes sense and hits the listener as much as it does the writer. The questions you ask are helpful and even if I don't change this song a whole lot they will help with future ones. This song is about a particular individual and could do with more description for sure, but sometimes I do like my songs to be more generic so that the listener can relate in their own way, so what you say about being careful to not go overboard makes sense. For instance, if I listen to a song and say 'I can relate to that....that's me and my life!'.....but as soon as the next line comes along saying red-haired, short, waitress from Toledo or something, it suddenly becomes less personal because that isn't me at all and it becomes a story but not personally relatable so I think there is a fine line. But, that's maybe just how I listen to songs too! And depends I suppose on what kind of imagination you have too. Great ideas though and I do think every song needs a fair amount of that.

Mr. E - Thanks for your comments, and I do hope I can come up with some kind of recording of this. It won't be great but I'll give it a whirl!

Hi Melody,
sometimes I do like my songs to be more generic so that the listener can relate in their own way, so what you say about being careful to not go overboard makes sense. For instance, if I listen to a song and say 'I can relate to that....that's me and my life!'.....but as soon as the next line comes along saying red-haired, short, waitress from Toledo or something, it suddenly becomes less personal because that isn't me at all and it becomes a story but not personally relatable so I think there is a fine line.

I agree there are multiple ways to handle lyrics to reach different preferences. There is a book called "Popular Lyric Writing: 10 Steps to Effective Storytelling" by Andrea Stolpe. She makes a very good example of how to use details to draw the listener in.

From this link you should be able to see the "sneak peak" feature. Check out page 1 under "Causing an Experience- The Artist's Objective".
http://www.amazon.com/Popular-Lyric-Writing-Effective-Storytelling/dp/0876390874/ref=pd_sim_b_16

I've also heard an example of the quality details can add from the song "Mr. Bo Jangles"

http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/sammy_davis_jr/mr_bojangles.html

I knew a man, Bojangles, and he'd dance for you
In worn out shoes.

With silver hair, a ragged shirt and baggy pants,
The old soft shoe.

He'd jump so high, yes he'd jump so high, then he'd lightly touch down.

I met him in a cell in New Orleans, I was
So down and out.

He looked to me to be the eyes of age,
As he spoke right out.

He talked of life, yes he talked of life. He laughed, clicked heels and he stepped.

Mister Bojangles
Mister Bojangles
Mister Bojangles,
Dance!

He danced for those at minstrel shows and county fairs
Throughout the South.

He spoke through tears of fifteen years how his dog and him
Traveled about.

His dog up and died, yes he up and died, after twenty years he still grieved.

He said, I dance now at every chance in honky tonks
For drinks and tips.

But most my time I spend behind these county bars.
Cause I drinks a bit.

He shook his head and as he shook his head I heard someone ask him, please

Mister Bojangles
Mister Bojangles
Mister Bojangles,
Dance!

BUT like you said, there is a place for "general or generic" lyrics as well. I think Coldplay does this well in this example:

Square One

http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858543803/

You're in control
Is there anywhere you wanna go?
You're in control
Is there anything you wanna know?
The future's for discovering
The space in which we're traveling

From the top of the first page
To the end of the last day
From the start in your own way
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are

Under the surface trying to break through
Deciphering the codes in you
I need a compass, draw me a map
I'm on the top, I can't get back

Whooooaaa, whooooaaa

The first line on the first page
To the end of the last page (you were looking)
From the start in your own way
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter who you are

You just want somebody listening to what you say
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter who you are

Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
And if you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult it fired you
You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one

James