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yr3 week 4- Over My Shoulder

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(@lostbeggining)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 197
Topic starter  

me again *(Boooo!!)*...Um....this is kinda bit weird....n probably wrong.........cuz i kinda....well.....i didnt change my scenary much....what i did was....well usually i write songs for here in my computer chair facing forward..sooo.....i just turned around n was looking outside of my back window....n it was just quite cool 2 write like that....etc....aaaaanywayz.....yeah........

V
I peer through the wooden frame
Slowly embrace the glowing change
The sunlight path is painted with a frost
I wipe my eyes and turn away
Through darkened lights and frozen flames
Its times like these i remember all ive lost

C
They say it takes a lot to see
The moments that slipped through the fading light
They say that everything is free
Untill its fallen through the sands of time
I could live a thousand years
And never hear every silent sound
They say it takes a thousand tears
But all it took for me was to turn around

V
With my back to where is safe
I wonder how my life would change
But all i can do now is stare outside
Like looking through the window glass
Our view on the world is always marked
With a fingerprint of every minute of time

Rain Shadow


   
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(@george_)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 12
 

it's a really very good plot. I like your idea and the structure of the piece(i mean rhythm and so on), but dont' you think that in the last verse the rhyme scheme is not okay. I dont't know whether it is intentional or not, but wont it be better to rerwrite this last verse using the same scheme as in the first one. Just a suggestion, man - the piece is very good

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one


   
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 Olav
(@olav)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 150
 

+LostBeggining+
You got this by just turning around ? ? ?
You got to do that more often, better yet, walk backwards ‘cause this is some great stuff.
I take it the last section is a bridge before the last chorus, it flows nicely and works for me.
Blessings. Olav


   
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(@moran)
Active Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 4
 

.,j


   
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(@smokindog)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 5345
 

I need to look through my window more often LOL. I think the last verse or bridge works well and is kind of a contrast to the other verses 8) 8) well done--the dog

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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Surprising the view you get from a different perspective isn't it!!!

Contrasting images....I need sunglasses to peer out of this (front) window at the moment, so many Xmas lights up already it's like Blackpool Illuminations - yet look out the back window, I see silver birch, conifers,pines poplars and many more.......

Only small quibble I have, seems somehow unfinished...as if you have another verse up your sleeve, but haven't got round to finishing it....

:) :) :)

Vic.

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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