Silver Night
V
Looking at the moon i lay my back upon the ground
Starlight trickles through the trees and reflects the silent sound
Smoke flows through my bitter lungs and circles the air
I fall back into my mind as i lay and begin stare
C
Echoes of tommorrow
Whisper here tonight
Chase away my sorrow
Through this blinding light
Of My Life
V
Grinding all the memorys and drowning all my sins
Breathing so quielty, no one must know im here
This is my night right now the time for me to feel
So far beyond the moon as if nothing was ever real
Rain Shadow
LostBeggining,
I like this piece. Great imagery.
I've spent many a night laying out under the stars. You have really caught the mood.
I might suggest a small change in the chorus though.
Through this blinding light
Of My Life
I think the term ''blinding light" is not quite what you're looking for here.
My suggestion would be to replace it with the title "Silver Night".
I know you don't have to use the title in a song but I think it works here.
As for the " Of my life" at the end of the chorus it seems to through off the meter just a bit. Unless you have a musical idea that makes it work it isn't really nessesary.
There appears to be a typo on the second verse:
Breathing so quielty, no one must know know im here
It seems you typed the word " know" twice.
Well those are my thoughts anyway. Do with them what you will.
Great Work
Celt
k, thanks m8...yeah that is a typo...n the blinding light part had quite a big referance to something i was getting at. And i know wot u mean about the "of my life" bit but i think it works with the music. Ill change the typo tho...thanks....
Thanks muchly!!
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Rain Shadow
hey ya.
this is really almost as beautiful as the starlit canopy(the 'almost' is just coz there's nothing to it... the stars..u know :wink: )
adore the first verse! btw there's another little typo I guess
and begin stare should probably be 'begin to stare' ?
(well and being nit-picky tomorrow has one m only and it is quietly not quielty :wink: )
now that I've reread it a couple of times I begin to fall in love with the rest of the song, too :D liked it already but now love it:)
may I just offer my interpretations of 'blinding light of my life'?
I. life is hectic, superficial, whatever and so bad its blinding and you waste the night to escape it in a way, try to hide from it('breathing so quietly, no one must know I'm here')
II. the blinding light of your life chases away the sorrow and you have the nights to be sad/mourn/be melancholy because it(the blinding light) doesn't shine that bright then?
III. like II. but this night it does shine bright and chases away your sorrow with whispers of tomorrow/fear/.. and then you try to escape (like I.)
am I making any sense? :lol:
anyways great piece, congrats you should be proud.
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
*jaw drops* wow.....lol thanks a lot!!.....n ...well my lack of accuracy with keyboards and my lack of intelligance is to blame for the typos lol....but ww.....glad u like it........n all of those explanations bout the blinding light were true....but...well..i put it in there cuz this was based on the night that i snuck out as not to wake anyone just to watch the stars cuz i was in a thinking mood and we have one of those lights that go off when u walk near it....blahdy blah.....n just when my thoughts wandered into things that were going to upset me it came on cuz i moved slightly n looked right at it n my eyes went all funny but it completely made me forget the bad stuff i was thinking off etc....so its one hell of a weird thing but..ya know..im not exactly normal....so...yeah....but thanks a lot!!! really appreciate it :)
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Rain Shadow
ur welcome :lol:
so that's where 'blinding light' actually came from... nice story :wink:
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
"I fall back into my mind, as I lay and begin to stare"
I really liked that line, LostBeginning.
The song seems a bit short. And I would second the Celt's suggestion to change "Blinding Light" to 'Silver Night" Even though you explained the event that served as your inspiration for that line, it seems pretty specific. I'm not sure many people could relate to it. Unless you decided to make the song longer, and could find a way to work in some sort of explanation. But I think the swap would be the easiest tweak.
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
hmmmm...cheers ppl....ill take it all into account when i begin to re-write.....thankle doodle :)
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Rain Shadow
i love ths song just a couple suggestions
Looking at the moon i lay my back upon the ground
Starlight trickles through the trees and reflects the silent sound
Smoke flows through my bitter lungs and circles the air
I fall back into my mind as i lay and begin stare
the line smoke flows through my bitter lungs sits a bit off to me
i suggest smoke flows bitter through my lungs and circles in the air
or perhaps a bitter smoke flows through my lungs and cirles in the air
you already tell us you are laying on the ground so in the last line of the verse to tell us again is a bit redundant to me
perhaps just .....I fall back into my mind as i begin to stare
or....................I fall back into my mind and i begin to stare
Echoes of tommorrow
Whisper here tonight
Chase away my sorrow
Through this blinding light
Of My Life
i see the reference to the "blinding light" is important to the full meaning you are trying to get across.... and i love that vision
i would suggest however since you seem to be escaping the "blinding light "in the mildness of the night sky perhaps you might say that
i suggest something like ..... and dims the blinding light ...of my life
Its a great start i agree it is a bit short perhas a bridge to bring it all together may work anyway just a few thought...
Humbley Joyce
