Yr7 Week 28 - Sad Reunion

Hi Jay,
I didn't really get your song at first, but after reading through it slowly a couple of times, I've begun to understand the structure and who's telling the story from what perspective and at what times.

Overall, I really like the way you've painted the picture of the failed relationiship, bringing it to life with the direct quotes of what she said, and details like the argument and the shirt which give it a personal touch. It feels real and memorable.

Also, I don't see any problem with the chorus having the same structure as the verse. You would just need to sing and play it in a different way (louder, or more unrestrained strumming maybe) so the difference is clear.

Now, a few improvements you could make: your rhyme scheme seems to be AABC throughout most of the song which is fine (and I like the way the C is usually "you"). You have a couple of verses which deviate from that: the ones with "endless crowd" and "shadows". It would be great to manage to keep the same scheme going all the way through. Also the last verse and chorus don't end with "you". I would play to the listener's expectations there and find a way to make them consistent (or different, but in a consistent way!)

Another thing: you have these first 2 verses which begin with "You say". Later in the song, it's not 100% clear (to me) whether it's the narrator speaking, or the girl. So maybe you could begin those other verses with a short bit, like "I know" or something. To make clear the difference between the she-saids and the he-saids. It's up to you, maybe when you sing it in your own way it's clearer.

Just a final thing: when she says "I have met somebody / Someone older, taller, fairer, broader / Much nicer than you"... it seems like she's being quite vindictive to him by saying that. Which is ok, some girls are vindictive, but for me the word "nicer" is really rubbing it in his face a bit too much. What I'm saying is I don't think the girl should be so mean, considering she is supposedly over him.

Good song in the end though!

Hi jaythejoker,

I've read this one a few times now, and can really see how the chorus can be developed well to make it stand out from the verses despite their structural similarities. I should also commend you on the 'phone call' verses, as they read very strongly, especially the first one. The rhythm works really well here and captures the tension between the two lovers. A job well done!

O'm not sure about the following lines though:

Never giving back that borrowed shirt
That I had leant to you

I agree with martin-6 that it adds a personal touch, but it might also be interpreted as the guy being upset at something trivial (compared to losing his love). It makes me wonder why he's thinking about his shirt if he's heartborken over his unrequited love. On the other hand, it does suggest the whole "shirt off my back" vibe, without using that cliche. It does make it unclear who is to blame for the relationship ending though - is it the guy for starting the argument? Or the girl for how she has treated the guy? If the boy thinks the girl has acted terribly, why does he want her back so badly? This lack of clarity might be intended of course, but I'm pointing it out just in case it wasn't part of your plan.

Also, in the last line of the verse below, is this supposed to be the girl speaking, or the boy? I read it as the boy speaking, but it seems clear from the opening phone call sections that she doesn't want to go back to how things were. Perhaps that line could be tightened up.

We used to walk, down through the shadows
An idle stroll, our hands together
It was over in a flash,
Do you want to go back?

Having said all that, I am seeing a lot of strong ideas in your song, so I'm looking forward to reading more of your work. Keep 'em coming!

Thanks for the great responses :)

Martin - nice suggestions, I was wondering how to make it more clear who was speaking, I guess it's hard to without those added "I know's" or something similar. I agree with you on that verse too, was thinking of changing it to be more generalised, less vindictive.

Scrybe - Maybe you're right about the chorus, will try vary the chords a bit more. I'm still debating over whether to keep the shirt in, I mainly had it because it fit well with the rhythm, again I may go more generalised. I did kinda intend that lack of clarity in the song and that last line/verse is the guy speaking, though I don't really like the line anyway.

I forgot to say in my first post, this is the first time I did chords first before lyrics, I'm finding the benefits are a better rhythm and strength but lines that often don't read too well. I think I like this way better though, will try again next week :wink: (maybe will upload a recording of this, if I get the time)

Hey Jay,

Wow! Great feedback already :D and good start on the song :D I see the strength of the song in the blocks of verses. I am just wondering about tying the whole thing together. It seems a bit disjointed....for example, what is the significance of the story by the candle light? as well the title doesn't seem to fit....It looks like some solid pieces that need a bit sanding down to fit together snugly....maybe the music you have in mind adds the cohesion I am alluding to.

It might need a couple minor changes to work it out as the majority of the idea is there. :wink:

James

If you keep trying to write by thinking of the chords first, I'm sure you'll find with time you get better at shaping the lines to fit. Poets wll often do hours of doodling random lines to fit different metres (iambic pentameter, and so on) just to become familiar with working to those constraints. Developing the rhythm of your songs by starting with the backing can be a similar process.

If it's any help, one method I sometimes (okay, fairly often) use is to play various patterns and play with melodies and phrases using my voice until I find something which resonates with what I'm feeling/trying to write about. Then, if things go brilliantly (quite rare) more lines will just drop out and the whole song can be completed fairly quickly. More often, I'll stop and take a look at the scrap I have, and then think about the overall shape I want the song to take.

Also, don't be afraid to sketch outlines for songs on paper. Either musical outlines (i.e. verse-chorus-verse-bridge-chorus) or "content outlines" (what you want to convey in the song, in as much detail as possible). Doing the latter can help make the song stronger, and throw up a few words you might want to use in your rhyme scheme. I find my songs have less ambiguity in the lyrics if I use this process. At least, I think they do, lol.

Again, this is just sharing my thoughts, rather than prescribing a perfect method. I'm looking forward to hearing how you develop this song.

Have a really terrible sore throat that only cropped up this morning so can't record it :cry:

Had a muck around with the lyrics though, thoughts? Maybe the chorus is vindictive now, but it flows great (in my head, not out loud :( )

Renamed as well

Your Answer

You say
Why do you have to call me?
I'm busy now. Lonely? Sorry
I've forgot the past, all the memories
All the time spent with you

You say
Why are you broken, honey?
Don't you know that I have met somebody?
Move along now go, find someone
Forget my time with you

I still remember your answer
When you picked up the phone
When you said go away
You said: nobody's listening
Nobody cares, what you think
What you do and what you say tonight

You left that day, torn apart
I had ripped into your feeble heart
An argument that I had sparked
Just to get back at you

You walked into, that endless crowd
Never looking back, not a word
Now I spend no time on another thought
Of my time spent with you

I still remember your answer
When you picked up the phone
When you said go away
You said: nobody's listening
Nobody cares, what you think,
What you do and what you say tonight

Jay,
thoughts?
Good rewrite :D It has a bit of bite to it and seems more edgy but clearer delivery about what the song is about.

James

I'm agreeing with James about the re-write being clearer and more focussed, but I wish you'd found a way to keep the borrowed shirt section in....it's a very evocative image.

There's one little section that's kind of nagging at me....

"Forget my time with you" at the end of the second verse - I know it fits the rhyme scheme, and you've taken on board the advice about ending each part with "you," but the little voices are saying it'd read better as "Forget your time with me." (Because it's reported speech - the girl's talking here.) It might be one of those things, however, that's unimportant once the song's recorded - you may be able to get round it with your delivery of the line.

Hope the throat's better soon - look forward to listening!

:D :D :D

Vic