Possibly the longest chorus ever :P Oh well... This was a fun one. I admit I broke the rule in two or three parts (It was really difficult to keep it a conversation the entire time without some context breaking it up). Still, on the whole I tried to stick with it :)
She turns off the bedside light
And she looks the other way
She says things just aren't alright
And they'll never be the same
Well I'm sick of all this
He said/She said blame
I talk to her in vain
And she looks at me with
Tears in her eyes
And says I
Hope I never see you again
Well it's 5 in the morning
My sleeping pattern's wrecked
I wake up to the sound of her voice
Just floating in my head
She says
Just remember
That I hate all we have done
I hate all of our memories
And I'm telling everyone.
And now
Check the window
Cause I'm kicking down your door
Gonna reclaim all my baggage
Gonna leave yours on the floor
She leaves me the front door keys
Says they're yours, I'm on my way
I grab her and she turns to me
I say, stay another day
But her eyes are like fire
And they're flaring to the skies
Says last night was the warning
And today is goodbye
Well it's 5 in the morning
My sleeping pattern's wrecked
I wake up to the sound of her voice
Just floating in my head
She says
Just remember
That I hate all we have done
I hate all of our memories
And I'm telling everyone.
And now
Check the window
Cause I'm kicking down your door
Gonna reclaim all my baggage
Gonna leave yours on the floor
And she says
Just remember
Just remember everything
It is difficult to put together an entire song as a conversation. You've done a good job of it and the use of descriptive narrative for what people might call a "pre-chorus:"
Well it's 5 in the morning
My sleeping pattern's wrecked
I wake up to the sound of her voice
Just floating in my head
does a very good job of setting up the chorus as dialogue.
Have to tell you that the second line in this part - "my sleeping pattern's wrecked" - totally puts me on her side. If that's all this guy is concerned about at this point, then she's right to leave. You may have planned this this way and good job if that's the case. But if you want this narrator to get at least some sympathy, you might want to think about making him seem a little more invested in the relationship. It's no wonder she's so vitriolic!
Speaking of which, you certainly catch her anger vividly. Nice work there.
It will be very interesting to hear how this works out in terms of melody and music. Looking forward to more.
Peace
Hi Jay,
Good start :D I really like these lines:
Says last night was the warning
And today is goodbye
Suggestion: This won't really apply until after the music is setup, but if the song is getting too long, consider 1/2 choruses the first time round towards the beginning and full choruses later.....you're right it does seem like a long chorus or B section and it all repeats not giving new information the second time around, but see how the music works out.
Thanks for sharing.
James
