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(@urbnite)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 20
Topic starter  

been a struggle writing this, so i'm looking for any input... thanks in advance!

hey you, what's that you say?
nevermind
i'm not listening anyway.

my mind's wandered out of sight
oh wait
i think it ran tonight

to other times
so far behind

so let's try together
get all high and fly together
blow the night away
blow the night away

i've put away all my friends
just until
this rain it ends

locked 'em up with broken toys
till come
yellow days & pretty boys

then maybe next year
we'll disappear

so let's try together
get all high and fly together
blow the night away
blow the night away

i still catch you hangin round
just go
before you drag me down

like happy new year
that came
with false promises of cheer

and other tales
and other lines

so let's try together
get all high and fly together
blow the night away
blow the night away

here the music changes completely

i'm crawling, falling
reaching out for you
can't you hear me calling
screaming, dreaming
turning blue


   
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(@jacqui1627)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 47
 

hi urbnite! Its great to have a song that as you say, is completely open to interpretation and can mean something to everybody.... great work.

the short, almost scattered lines create a really interesting affect; almost abrupt but with impact. Very intereguing, I can imagine that impact would come through in the music also. :)

afew suggestions.

time to end this tired game
before
it sucks me in its flame

sucks seems a little weak here; perhaps something like 'ignites' or 'consumes' could give more credit to the impact of the verse. Just a thought.

I was thinking, maybe you could make the two lines that introduce the chorus repeated each time; like using 'to other times, so far behind' as a bridge to the chorus. It could give the song a greater sense of flow, with more lines that are common; giving the listener more lines to connect with. Either way, it think it would work fine- it just depends on the overall effect you want to create :)

well good luck with this one urbnite! hope Ive said something helpful within my ramblings :P

Jacqui

"Iam a question to the world... not an answer to be heard."


   
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(@dustdevil)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 99
 

A very early beginner here, so take what I say with a grain of salt...

1. I can't get a feel for the flow. The song changes moods so quickly and repeatedly...."let's party"...."go away"...."let's party"..."go away". Last part sounds seriously needy. :D But this is just a first impression and maybe I'm just not that deep. The music might tie it together just fine. I've certainly known people who acted that way.

2. Although I don't know the music and rhythm, maybe change...

i've put away all my friends
just until
this rain it ends

to...

i've put away all my friends
just until
this RAINFALL ends

Very artistic and I like the 1st verse. Great imagery and play on words.

Good luck.

John A.

They say only a pawnshop guitar can play the blues. An eBay one does it better. A guitar's bound to feel unloved if her owner plasters pictures of her over the internet for all to see and then sells her off to the highest anonymous bidder.


   
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(@stefhy)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 67
 

hey! That's just the sort of thing I have tried to write many times before and just haven't been able to accomplish it. So I, am amazed and impressed, good stuff :) ... Tho, I for one never have much critique to discuss i mainly just hop around and pick some of the songs i like and tell ppl how good it is - I don't really like the idea of cirtisizing (sry dont know how to spell :lol: ) other people's work simply cus I see myself as a beginner, so yanno, i shouldn't be one to talk... anywho the point to this point was to say, well done! :)

I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

change...

i've put away all my friends
just until
this rain it ends

to...

i've put away all my friends
just until
this RAINFALL ends

Yes, I agree. Please do.
this is a song about whatever you want it to be...

Maybe I'm a bit anal, but I've got a problem with that. There's a difference between "open to interpretation" and "random lyrics" and I'm not yet sure which side your songs falls into yet.

I'm not getting a clear image in my mind of what's going on. I'm getting no picture painted in my mind.

On the other hand, I like chorus, and I think you'd do well to structure your song around it and its imagery. The "blow away the night" line was great... maybe the verses could paint a picture of the day whose night you are trying to blow away. (Maybe it already does and I don't get it.)

I'm not saying you need to put in specific things like, for example, "lost my job today", or "I'm driving down I79 at 4:13am", I'm just saying that there isn't any consistant imagery present for me to interpret any way I want.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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(@stefhy)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 67
 

umm slow play i dont mean to sound rude or anything, but i have noticed that you seem to comment on the imagery of everyones songs, as im sure you are experienced and stuff and i know your nice about it so i prolly shouldnt be saying this... but sometimes imagery isn't all taht important in a song, sometimes its just the feeling of it, or the flow .- it depends on alot of stuff..... please don't take this the wrong way, I just thought i'd speak my opinion....

I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.


   
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(@urbnite)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 20
Topic starter  

Thank you everyone for you input! Very much appreciated.

I must say that I'm not planning on changing "this rain it ends"... it fits with the music much better rhythmically. I might give it a shot, though.

I guess maybe I was slightly misleading by saying that it's about whatever you want it to be about. Not that I don't mean that, but I said it slightly tounge-in-cheek because I didn't really want to say what it's about.

But...

If anyone wants to really know what it's about for the purpose of criticizing content as is applies to the subject matter: To me it's about really bad year (that seemed obvious to me) exasserbated by drug use that destroyed friendships.

So the way it's ended up being structured, the verses are the sober realization, then the chorus is the high. The end with the last 'verse', is the crash of coming down, musically is entirely different.

Given that, I tried to write it in such a way that it's non-specific and could be about anyone trying to get through a bad time, not just my experience with a bad year.

So even though it has a specific meaning to me, I wanted it to be open to interpreation. If that makes sense.

I've also changed this verse before I found your comments...
i've put away all my friends
just until
this rain it ends

time to end this tired game
before
it sucks me in its flame

but maybe next year
we'll disappear
is now:

i've put away all my friends
just until
this rain it ends

locked 'em up with broken toys
till come
yellow days & pretty boys

then maybe next year
we'll disappear

I think i hate that, though.

But anyway, yes... thank you all for your comments.


   
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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
 

I have to agree with Slowplay re the imagry bit, song writing is painting a picture in words !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Melodies etc are something else completely, but the words have to paint a picture for me

Ja'mir

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@urbnite)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 20
Topic starter  

I have to agree with Slowplay re the imagry bit, song writing is painting a picture in words !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Melodies etc are something else completely, but the words have to paint a picture for me

yes... i agree as well.

maybe this is just too personal or something - to me it seems packed with imagery, almost overpacked in places.

was there a particular trouble spot that you saw?


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey, Stefhy,

No insult taken on the imagery thing.

One thing I've been learning is that truth is more readily discovered in dialogue with other people since none of us have a monopoly on truth. Only through the pro's-and-con's, the arguments and rebuttles, can someone seeking the correct answer find the most correct answer available.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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