sleepless night (my 2nd song post woo-hoo!)

well, you probably don't like the last verse because it isn't really a resolution, though cliffhangers are cool to use

I'd say if you have trouble re-arranging songs, yo're in for some bumpy rides, maybe just try, this one would be a great guinea pig for it.
The first verse would be great if the syntax was different, it's George Clinton funky, and when it gets to that point, the listener has no idea what they're hearing,
I'd start with the second line:

during my day dreams of darkness and nightmares of light

it's a great description, but with a little twist, maybe by changing the beginning to "all day I endure", it could be easier to comprehend. I even reused the "dure" sound, to keep the essence of the original

well, I've spent enough time on that, I'll say that this is a "moment in time" poem, and with these types of poems, you need a lot of imagery, and nothing here really jumped out at me,

great arrangement of chorus/verse etc.

There is some really cool stuff in here, but honestly, I had some difficulty understanding what we are talking about.

It's someone that is overwhelmed at night with thoughts of a loved one who is not there, but why aren't they there? I think it would help to set it up why they aren't together.

I love the twists on words

"during my day dreams of darkness and nightmares of light"

it's always cool to use opposites like that. Those are the kind of lines that tend to catch my eye the most.

Can you explain your thought process on the chorus? I don't really get the headless horseman thang! It stirs some cool imagery, but I just don't get it.

I really like where you're going with it!

Snoogans- I'll deff work on the syntax and imagery. (any ideas to add some in?) I see what you mean about the George Clinton comment lol...but “all day I endure day dreams of darkness and nightmares of light” ....seems like it uses the word “day” to much -what about...

sleepless night wont you keep me company
I have day dreams of darkness and nightmares of light
everyday I struggle to stay awake; the sun will never sympathize
but the night isn't that much kinder

...??

gmilam- you interpreted the song differntly than I did (which is very easy with my vauge and random thoughts) I didn't mean for this song to be a story type thing...I just kind of wanted it to have more of a theme than a story line. I'm not even sure if you can do that with a song (I think this one is living proof that you can't lol) ...asked for the chorus i'll just break it down....it's supposed to mean the following:

In the shattered mirror your self comes alive- ..in other words when you're not always worried about how you are viewed then you're a lot more of yourself ( I guess irrelevent to this song eh?)
in the gleam of your eyes is where the headless horseman rides- gleam of your eyes as in glassy eyes from staying awake due to the “headless horseman” a.k.a something thats worrying you...and the headless horseman only comes out at night in the story and stuff...so thats how it relates in that aspect
but you can't run from the night- speaks for itslef (I think)
no you can't run from the night -dido :-)

hope that explains it fairly well. Have any ways you can think of to make the chorus more understandable (or the entire song at that)?
especially “In the shattered mirror your self comes alive” ...thats very random and off track from the so-called “theme”

here are some revisions this far....

verse 1:
sleepless night wont you keep me company
I have day dreams of darkness and nightmares of light
everyday I struggle to stay awake; the sun will never sympathize
but the night isn't that much kinder
------------------------------------------------------------
chorus:
knowers and thinkers shut their eyes to the moon
lovers and dreamers get behind too soon
and so you're out in the cold
you forgot everything that you've been told
------------------------------------------------------------
umm....the 1st chorus i'm out of ideas on how to revise it... I REALLY don't like verse 3 but i'm stuck on that to....the last chorus as well is still 50% blank.....anyone have some ideas?

.....I apologize for writing so much!!!!

I just thought I'd add that I think the song seems a little confused. The ideas are good, but it just seems that you threw all your ideas together a bit.

I think perhaps with a bit of revising your connectives it'll be a lot easier to understand. I'll prolly give examples later, but it seems you are starting to resort it anyway in your revisions.

Keep it up :)

oi...this song is gonna need a lot of work lol...thanks to everyone for helpin me realize I can't just through random things i'm thinkin down on the paper

does anyone have ideas to help salvage this song?...I would throw it out but I like the guitar to it so far

I don't wanna be rude, I like your song, but the structure is wierd. I've never heard of a pre chorus, but it works. My only concern is that the whole point of a chorus is that it repeats throughout the song, and you have like six choruses and none of them repeat. You might wanna call them verses instead and pick a chorus....I really don't mean to be rude, it's a good song, I just tells em like I sees em. :wink:

I have to agree I got kind of lost in the structure of the song.
You have some real good stuff written in there. With some work you'll have a great song. Some of the verses or choruses are a little to poetic for me. But thats just me. I hope you get it where you want it. Looking forward to the finished version. Take care. Nite.....

I've officially decided to trash this song (they can't all be winners eh?) but I've kept the guitar and come up with some new(hopefully improved) lyrics

thanks though for everyones feedback on it!!

dear sally,

sometimes you gotta know when to pull the plug on a song. that is one of the ways you get to be a better song writter is knowing when a piece of work is just not going to work and to move on so you don't waste so much time on something that after so much hard work get thrown out. just think your next song can only be better.

don't give up.

-CheapThrill

whatever you do don't stop altogether, that's about the worst thing you could do, personally, it's okay with me if you quit this song, because you can probably do way better on a different song that's more your own style...never give up, and sorry i was a tad bit mean on my last post, i suck with words... :oops: :D :shock: (i love the shock face)

you weren't mean at all....it was honest and I apriciate it.

reading back on this song I really don't like it myself. lol...just goes to show ya I guess. :D

thankies :D :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :roll: i annoy myself sometimes.....