Belated SSG Week 25, Untitled as of yet

Hey Illicit,
maybe I should just stick to music
Don't do it! You've got something good to say here.
Nah.
<sigh or relief> You had me scared for a minute. :D

Seriously though, I see those same tendencies in myself. I think we all tend to do it, so its an important mistake to draw attention to.

The first two sections are very strong. The third, the one about "she needs to soar", is definitely the right direction to take the song, but I think maybe it could be stronger if it focused more on the beauty of her being free, and using the flying/floating imagery (rather than the sway, which is more of a human thing).

The part about "adore her from afar" seems to me to be the opposite of keeping her in a jar. I think you could make a strong contrast here, rather than trying to make a similarity.
if she would still stay if I burned my net
Maybe I'm picky, but typically, I don't think people burn their nets. I'd look for another verb besides "burn". The idea itself, though, is great as part of the whole song.

A minor point, but one that is nagging at the back of my mind, the imagery of a butterfly seems disjoint from making a trap in the woods, since a butterfly wouldn't be trapped by a pit. On the other hand, both of the images are great, so I'm torn.
Now I guess I'm ready to
watch her soar again and I'm ready
to grow my own wings
and learn how to fly
That's a beautiful way to end the peice.

Like I said at the start, I think this is a story worth telling, so by all means, keep it up.

Hey Illicit,
the image that came to my mind when reading this was of a Bumble Bee. I like the way it progresses through to the the last verse which is great cos it resolves the moral dilema of captivity. One thing that strikes me though is I think the "I guess" is a little overused for my liking, although I realise that it does give each verse a level of consistancy. Good work. :D

Hey Illicit,
the image that came to my mind when reading this was of a Bumble Bee. I like the way it progresses through to the the last verse which is great cos it resolves the moral dilema of captivity. One thing that strikes me though is I think the "I guess" is a little overused for my liking, although I realise that it does give each verse a level of consistancy. Good work. :D

Deliberate choice from my side, I've always liked reoccuring phrases in songs. But still thanks, Pbee.

Thanks for the comments SlowPlay, that's the kind of critique I can use. All very valid points. Especially the "Adore her from afar" part is bugging me as well, I can't seem to come up with something clever for contrast. Ah, It'll probably come to me some day.

Thanks for the nice words, people.

Hey Illicit,
I can't seem to come up with something clever for contrast.

I was thinking that you already had a contrast.... Instead of

I guess it would be wrong
to adore her from afar
to keep her pinned down in a hole
or locked up in jar

Maybe something like...

Not content
to adore her from afar
Gonna keep her pinned down in a hole
or locked up in jar

Something like that, only better, and fitting your rhythm.

Yeah I hear ya about the schedule thing. Hey I liked some of your lyrics but I don't have time to do it justice, (I'd like to go over it bit by bit and help you figure out how to "make it soar." I think it can be done, so I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Don't give up, you've got some good stuff. Keep it up...Joe

Okay there was something about this that I liked. I'm going to make some suggestions and I hope I don't end up stepping all over your song or creativity. If I do, sorry, and just tell me to shut up.
I guess I could dig a hole
in the woods where nobody comes but her
cover it with leaves of fall
and wait for her to come

This is fine. I'm just weird about rhyming and meter. But do what works for you.

Fig. 1
I guess I could dig a hole
where only she would run
cover it with leaves of fall
and wait for her to come

I guess I could snatch her up
in a butterfly net nad keep her in a jar
polish it and watch her
knowing she won't fly far

I guess I could catch her
in a net to keep in a jar
polish it and watch her
knowing she won't fly far
But I guess she needs to soar
for me to appreciate the elegance
and the beauty of her sway
but her sparkling wings'd be clipped

But I guess she needs to soar
so I can watch her sway
with beauty and elegance
but would she run away

Fig. 2
I guess it would be wrong
to adore her from afar
to keep her pinned down in a hole
or locked up in jar

maybe I could
adore her from afar
not keep her pinned down
locked in jar

But I need to know
that she won't stray
until I learn to trust her
in my own way

This is good.
Fig. 1
Oh, I guess I need to know
if she would still stay if I burned my net
took out these pins
and put a ladder down that hole

I didn't really get the pins part. How about...

Oh, I guess I need to know
if she would stay
without the net, the hole
If I let her fly away
Yeah, I guess but I need to know
'cause as things are now I'd rather
she stayed down in her hole
just for me

Yeah, I guess but I need to know
'cause as far as I can see
she should stay in that hole
just for me, just for me
Now I guess I'm ready to
watch her soar again and I'm ready
to grow my own wings
and learn how to fly

I kinda liked this. It just seemed to come out of nowhere. Maybe...

Until I'm finally ready
to watch her soar as I
grow my own wings
and learn how to fly

And the "I guess" didn't bother me. I could almost hear you "thinking" so it worked for me. There was something else I think I wanted to say but I forgot. If I think of it, I'll let you know. Keep on writing. Hope I didn't overstep....Joe

Just remembered. The title... "Let Her Soar"

Bet you're sorry you opened up that can of worms.

Wow, Joe. That sure is some constructive critique. I know most of my stuff don't follow any rhyme or meter, I usually just do it as a 'stream of consciousness'-thing, I tried doing it more deliberately in the second figure, but generally I'm not a big fan of straight rhyming. I'll have a closer look at what you suggested later today.

Oh, and pins.. Like you put in the wings of caught butterflies. You pin them down alive and put them in a frame.

Well everyone likes something different, and I'm certainly no expert so you should do what works for you. Look forward to reading more...Joe