ME Week 1 Year 5

I like it Trev, from the conversations we've had on MSN about Rugby (for Americans, it's kind of like AF without all the wimpy padding and helmets - it's a MAN'S game.....)

You lost the rhyming scheme here.....

I would not have changed it for the world
Mum passed away just I started looking at girls
Then I lived on my own for awhile
Liveing on the streets sleeping in creeks
Then I met a man who changed my world
Got me into sports , kept me out of the courts

But I understand where you're coming from (ugh, horrible cliche.....) - a lot of sportsmen have said, if it wasn't for football/rugby/boxing I'd have been in jail.....

Not much to criticise mate, just tighten up the rhymes a little - I reckon this is another good song to add to last week's effort.....you're on a roll mate!!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

Thanks Vic

I hope it is good like your saying ..I'm a bit concerned it its more like something one might read out at my funeral :lol: :lol: eulogy ?
(can't spell)

Its about as close as I want to share ( sorry ) as some doors are better left shut ( if you know what I mean )

I will say in my past I have done some things that I am not proud of and have spoken to my children about and they know what life is really about ...

Life is good now and the future is the road we must travel now as demons from the past may never know who I really am ...

I was going to use that in this song but just could not get it to fit

Hilch,
Life is good now and the future is the road we must travel now as demons from the past may never know who I really am ...

I really think this needs to be in your song. Maybe make the chorus around this thought.

I also want to know more about the man who "changed your world" I really enjoyed your lyrics.

Thanks for sharing, Gwynne.

Hilch,

Nice Job! Change a few minor details and it could be my life.
( But that's another story)

Not much to add that hasn't been said already.
I agree with Gwynne about the line you quoted that really
belongs somewhere in this song. If not as a part of a chorus
maybe as a prelude.

John

Trevor
First of all thanks for sharing, and please know most of us have that ghost in the past we are not to proud of, but they all amount to who we are today. Anyway I was playing through the lyric just strumming a basic jazzy pattern on my guitar, and it did not sound too bad. The verses sounded fine to me, I could get a good jam to it. However if you consider the third paragraph the chorus, I had some difficulties with that part. I just could not get a decent rhythm to it. Maybe it is the difference in the syllables or the rhyme pattern or some lack thereof, or maybe it is just me. I wish I could give you some more constructive feedback, but I feel this lyric is too personal and I cannot do it justice.

It feels kind of strange to say I enjoyed it….but I did
I'd also like to hear more about the mystery man
Blessings. Olav

I hope you enjoyed my little song

Mate, I loved it, this is clearly from the heart, excellent. I take your point though
something one might read out at my funeral eulogy ?

I think that rocketgirl is on the money, the "Life is good..." quote is something that you could easily work into a chorus that would lighten up the song a bit. Try to imagine you (or maybe Johnny Cash) up there singing this, you want to move people (this is definitely moving) but you also want to entertain, which means that you want give them some relief too, so a chorus that is a little up beat would do that.
What sort of music did you have in mind ?

Cheers

Paul

Thanks for the feed back everyone

Just had my computor restored to its former glory...

Sorry for not replying earlier

This quote

Life is good now and the future is the road we must travel now as demons from the past may never know who I really am

Just came to me as I wrote this and could not get it in there so I left it out in case it is actually a saying ..

Music well Paul as usual I just pick some strings and what comes from the guitar comes I just go with the flow and try to to make it sound nice ...Maybe one day it will ...

Thanks everyone for your encouraging words

Means alot to me

Cheers
Trevor

Hi Trevor

It's hard to even think of calling you "Hilch" again after reading this. You've created a very personal and specific work with your lyrics and, in doing so, also created a human being that every reader/listener can relate to. Great job.

Anxiously looking forward to more from you in the "new" SSG year.

Peace