Before I throw this into an MP3, I thought I'd see if I could get some feedback on the lyrics, and overall impressions. This subject is an easy one for me, and tough at the same time. I intentionally placed words that echo the theme throughout the song - not sure if they work or not.
Mirage of a Man
You ambushed me when I was green
Crashed on my porch and caused a scene
My father pleaded, love, better get away
But I was in charge and so I chose to stay
I glued to you so hard and fast
Part of you echoed a sound from my past
By the time I tried to find my own thread
It was too late, and I was in over my head
You can't say it's love while I'm still asleep
I keep dredging but the breach is too deep
It all ends the same as it once began
I never even saw you, mirage of a man.
You promised your name and all that meant
But you soon reneged on that intent
Crisis and chaos are all that we found
No strings you said, but ropes abound.
You can't say it's love if I'm still asleep
I keep on dredging, but the breach is growing deep
It all ends the same as it first began
I never once saw you, mirage of a man.
Elle
Hi Elle
Nice work here Ms ..
I have one little gripe I suppose you could call it ..
And once again just my old opinion , and it would hve to be heard before I could retract what I am going to say of course
The line that reads
"I keep on dredging , but the beach is growing deep "
Just don't work for me ..how ever I offer this
'I keeep on dredging , though the water is riseing quick "
Once again just my demented mind at work again
Trev
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
Hi Elle,
this is nice, great idea for a song. I do have a couple of comments that I feel would improve this song from my perspective.
I keep on dredging , but the breach is growing deep The word dredging seems such an awkward word to me that I think I would be inclined to change that line to something like:
I keep on searching but the void is too deep
Another thing, and this may just be my own prejudice, is that the rhyming scheme AABB for the verses may be a little too much rhyme and maybe rhyming only 2 lines of the 4 as an option.
No strings you said, but ropes abound. This is an awesome line I love it, well done.
I think you have a good song here and look forward to hearing it.
cheers
Paul
You two may be quite right - the dredging was a bit of a stretch. I was actually going for 'digging' - but not at the beach, as Hilch said, but at the BREACH LOL
I think I may dump that word, 'dredging,' since I don't think it will come across well vocally, either. I'll give thought to it, thank you, both!
It's funny, Paul, that line you like so well seemed like my 'teeth gritter' one, to me, I'd actually use the word 'abound' in my conversation, but something about making it rhyme perhaps that puts me on edge.
I've actually tried singing it through, and it was too late to record it but I'll also give thought to the rhyming couplets as you mentioned, Paul. These words just flowed together without much work, in that I didn't have to really reach for a rhyme with them - I actually wrote this song years ago, but with completely different words to it, and it didn't work then, but I kept it simmering all this time. Methinks I'll let it simmer a little longer and keeping working it.
Thank you both for your ideas - maybe this 30 plus year old song will finally get completed!
Elle
