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My song for the week. No Title yet

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Rockinsoul14595
(@rockinsoul14595)
Active Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 3
Topic starter  

This is a start for my song i just don't know where to go. Any help is greatly appreciated. I'm trying to get my lyrics going but I like get a brain fart everytime I write but here is my start:

I've packed my suitcase
Jumped on the plane
I'm buckled in nice and tight
My mind is racing again

Life off is nearly endless
When will we land?
I have too many questions to answer
I'm holding my heart in my hand

well there it is I don't know where to go from there. I think it's a good start but I also think it's a little tacky. I have my first full song that I can show you guys if you want. Then you can see what I mean by tacky. Alright until next ciao! ~Brian


   
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Shift
(@shift)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 94
 

Sounds like a good start. Kinda reminds me of elton john's rocketman.

The line "my mind is racing again" I'd change to "racing tonight", reguardless of the rythume, just me maybe.

Oh, like 90% of what I write comes off tacky, and overdone, to me. We all feel that way.


   
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Shift
(@shift)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 94
 

Sounds like a good start. Kinda reminds me of elton john's rocketman.

The line "my mind is racing again" I'd change to "racing tonight", reguardless of the rythume, just me maybe.

Oh, like 90% of what I write comes off tacky, and overdone, to me. We all feel that way.


   
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Rockinsoul14595
(@rockinsoul14595)
Active Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 3
Topic starter  

What do you think I should do for a chorus? I've never been too good at writing chorus's


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Rockinsoul14595
Welcome to the forum.
I think the two verses you've got going there are good.
What do you think I should do for a chorus?
The answer to that question is basically quite simple. What is it that you are trying to tell us with this song. I'm not trying to be flippant when I say that, but for my mind a song tells a story, generally the verses develop the plot and the chorus nails home the message. For example in your song you tell us that your flying out of town, a broken heart or something. For a chorus you could tell us why your leaving, or what you'd like to say to the person your leaving or how breaking up makes you feel inside.
I like Shift's edit cos I think it gives the situation more focus.
Your two verses certainly comply with the assignment, just remember that the purpose of these assignments isn't necessarily to write great songs here, but a chance for you to experiment and get feedback from a whole bunch of people, so that one day you will write a great song. I think what you've done is great start and I hope you finish it, if you do please repost it here, cos i'd like to see it. Keep up the good work

pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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Joe
 Joe
(@joe)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 504
 

I've packed my suitcase
Jumped on the plane
I'm buckled in nice and tight
My mind is racing again

Sorry, I disagree with you guys. I like it better the original way, partly because of the rhyme, though that can be worked out, so it's not just that. I just like the way it sounds. I'd change one thing though.

Packed my suitcase
Jumped on the plane
Buckled my seatbelt
Mind's racing again

I think it has a nicer feel that way. Now like Pbee says, I'd expound on that and tell us why your mind is racing. Since it's racing again and not just "tonight" tell us what it is that keeps nagging at you.
Life off is nearly endless
When will we land?
I have too many questions to answer
I'm holding my heart in my hand

I didn't get this, but then I figured out you must've meant "Lift off."

Here again, I'd condense a little....

Lift off's nearly endless
When do we land
Too many questions to answer
Got my heart in my hand

Try that and see if it sparks some ideas. Can help you improve what you've written, but don't wanna write it for you, so try to come up with something for a chorus and even if it's rough, submit it and I'll try to help you out.

Joe


   
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