I'm new to this songwriting club so here is my first entry. I think this would make a kick ass death metal song! ;)
The Dead Stay Silent
From the grave a secret slips
Burning words on her icy lips
He will not hide from his horrid deeds
She will not stay here amongst the weeds
Inside minds predisposed to wonder
His lies of life she will tear assunder
Theres no escaping the ghosts of our past
She floats within screaming justice at last
He can't believe this
The dead stay silent
But she lays dreaming
Of the life he rent
Eyes start to see him
In a different light
The silent dead
Sing bright this night
Their asking questions to his cracking face
Something is different, it's all out of place
So many dead could he be the reason
Comes the death of his hunting season
From the grave points a finger
Into his heart like a hell hot stinger
The game is over he has gone to far
The dead have won, now falls his star
He can't believe this
The dead stay silent
But she lays dreaming
Of the life he rent
Eyes start to see him
In a different light
The silent dead
Sing bright this night
Each word led me on to another word,
Each deed to another deed.
-Havamal-
Hi and welcome
This a really good first post in here , this flows really well ..
Good writting
Hope you stay around and write some more
Hilch
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
Welcome to the SSG mate! :)
Nice first song. About the only minor issue I have, was that I found it a bit hard to focus in on the characters in the song. There seem to be two but it seemed to flit around between them a bit and thereby preventing me from really connecting with either.
Inside minds predisposed to wonder
His lies of life she will tear assunder
Theres no escaping the ghosts of our past
She floats within screaming justice at last
I really like this verse. Although the one minor suggestion might be altering the last line to something like "She bursts in screaming justice at last". I guess the word "floats" suggests a more calm type demeanor which is at odds with the "screaming".
Well done mate. 8)
From little things big things grow - Paul Kelly
Yeah, very good song.
I feel the heavy metal vibe. :twisted:
I really can't find anything that bothers me about your song.
All GN member's welcome to join in the SSG.
"If I had a time machine, I'd go back and tell me to practise that bloody guitar!" -Vic Lewis
Everything is 42..... again.
Hi morkalg,
welcome to SSG forum, this is a great effort well done. I kept getting flashes of CSI (the Miami crossover NY episode just screened here) when reading this. I think you capture that macabre / thriller feeling here very well.
cheers
Paul
Morkalg,
Welcome to SSG
It's nice to see another interesting take on this assignment.
Good Job
John
Death metal isn't really my field, but yeah, I can see exactly what you're going for .....
OK, if I was playing Devil's Advocate and had to pick fault with something, it'd be this couplet...
"But she lays dreaming
Of the life he rent"
Something about it doesn't look right - I dunno, it may sound OK, but on paper? It just doesn't flow for me....
If you changed the previous line ever so slightly, you could perhaps get away with something like....
He can't believe this
The dead should lie silently,
But she lies dreaming
Of a life ended violentlv......
Just my two penn'orth, and I'm nit-picking really ....I think you've done a cool job on this - may not be the first song you've written, but if it's the first you've written to order, so to speak - job done! And a good job too!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hi Morkalg
Welcome to SSG - good song certainly for the metal style the death imagery is spot on.
You've fallen victim to the board's auto-censor as we all do from time to time - but stll a good kick donkey death metal thrash :wink:
Good stuff
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
Thanks guys for all the nice comments! It was fun writing it, I think I'll enjoy this forum alot.
Rob
Each word led me on to another word,
Each deed to another deed.
-Havamal-
Well done I truly like it. I am not sure who kick donkey death, is but this I think would sound good real loud with much drive and distortion in the guitars. You have the touch keep coming back. If you record this post it I would like to hear what you come with.
Frank
Life is not what you did. It's what you are doing.
