Please review this song constructivly

Hi there ChrisHarper

Welcome to the wonderful world we all live in ( musical mad house ) in here there are no politicians to ruin our lives just a sensor . :o

Your song sets a great imagery but lacks in a lyrical rhymn sense , please don't be offended by this .

example :

come on try to say it nicely
you're not sad to see me leave ( I think these 2 lines are great )
cause i've been entertaining
the notion that you'd greive
should have seen it coming ( up to here great stuff )
oh so long before (is my love for you suffercating ? )
though it's me who's leaving now ( I would drop the NOW )
i had to watch you go ( there will be no grieving )

Just my old opinion and that's my 5 cents worth , but I hope you like and understand what I am trying to say . :wink:

cheers

L.K :arrow:

Hey Chris,

I liked your lyrics a lot. Nice imagery. I made some suggestions below, that aren't necessarily that great, but really just meant to spark some ideas in you. Nice job.

come on try to say it nicely
you're not sad to see me leave
cause i've been entertaining
the notion that you'd greive (very nice, I like this)
should have seen it coming
oh so long before (maybe I did, but didn't believe)
though it's me who's leaving now (that you could watch me go)
i had to watch you go (and not so much as grieve)

you look so peaceful
by the pale moon light
and if it were another time
i'd climb in to hold you tight
instead i see betrayal
and i feel my anger grow
so i'm packing up my only things
with no place to go

i know that i've been lower but
i can't think of when
driving round for hours
so my will won't bend
running through my memory
trying to think of where to go
guess it doesn't matter now
that i've lost my home

Hi Chris,

Welcome to SSG

Very nice work! I agree with Lotto King the rhymth seems just a
bit off in places. Like Joe and LK I've made some suggestions.
Hope you don't mind another opinion.

No Place To Go

come on try to say it nicely
you're not sad to see me leave
cause i've only been your entertainment
It's the notion that you greive
should have seen it coming
oh so long before
though it's me who'll do the leaving
I'll watch you as I go

you always look so peaceful
in the pale of the moon light
and if it were another time
i'd long to hold you tight
instead i see betrayal
and i feel my anger grow
so i'm packing up my only things
with no place left to go

i know that i've been lower but
i don't know where or when
driving round for hours
my will it can not bend
running through my memory
trying to think of where to go
guess it doesn't matter now
i've lost my only home

Just my thoughts do with them what you will.

Celt

PS I didn't notice this until now but this doesn't fit the SSG assignment for this week which was theater and stage. I guess that
shows how well written those first two lines are.
They really draw you in. Good Job

Hey Lost,

I think the Celt has done a good job reworking your song. Lotto King's and Joe's are good too, but the Celt's, I think, is more faithful to your original meaning and rhythm (and it includes some of Lotto's ideas as well). However, I would consider using Joe's idea of expanding on the 'looking peaceful' section... you've set up a nice scene there, so go ahead and dig deeper. That would be my general suggestion for the whole song... explore you scenes a bit more and find out what's in them that tells the story.

Maybe take some time to study the differences between your version and the Celt's. Notice how he cleaned up some ackward phrasing?

I wasn't terribly fond of the 'will bending' part in either version. I still seems like a bit of a grab for a rhyme, but no suitable replacement is forthcoming.

I really liked the imagery of the "will bending" line, but it is a little awkward. how about something more simple like...

"Trying not to weaken."

Don't forget, it's not a "poem" it's a song. Things sound different to music. By the way, do you have any music to this yet?